Visited Chicago last weekend for MLK Day, and it was truly a fratastic weekend — 96 straight hours of drinking. B, S and I decided to finally pay DFi a visit because he’s miserable in med school and hasn’t had any fun in his life for 2 years, so as good friends we decided to change that for him even though none of us really wanted to spend a weekend in January in a city that’s -20 degrees.
Turns out Chi Town is quite delightful. DFi was so grateful for our visit that when we all arrived on Friday, he had a delicious homecooked dinner of beer soaked pulled pork waiting for us, and then the night really spiraled out of control after that.
After the pork we quickly got going with the pregame by finishing off the entire handle of tequila and bottle of Bullet that DFi had brought home, and then DFu started shotgunning beer after beer after beer by himself in the shower to get his fratteries going. By the time we got to Crimson Lounge an hour later to meet DB and DK, DFu was his blackout college self that I remembered so well, downing beer after beer on one knee and then smashing them down on the lounge floor and doing his DFu dance. Next thing we know he’s being escorted out of the bar and when we follow him outside, we find him doodling BEAR JEW in the snow on the rear window of some random person’s car. Ok DFu time to go — so we head out next to Hang Uppe, which is the Kong of Chi Town without all the Asians. We of course immediately lose DFu after 5 minutes of getting there, only to find him 3 hours later chatting up a group of girls in the corner who were all very interested in the Harvard grad soon-to-be-doctor until he suddenly had to leave the conversation to go puke into the trash can right next to them. The girls all immediately fled.
The next morning we all wake up to Man Bear Jew S jumping on all of us at 8:30am to go watch some soccer game that no one gave a shit about at some random bar 30 minutes away in Chi Town nowhere. None of us really wanted to watch soccer but we were up for some early morning drinking on this Fraturday. So we went to this random Irish bar, then continued drinking at this random Mexican bar where we were the only customers and we had a bartender who looked like Jesus/Korn. We then went 45 minutes out of our way to go to this famous hot dog place that DFi was dying to take us to where they had foie gras hot dogs. I was excited about the foie gras hot dogs until we saw a one-hour line outside in the freezing cold, so we made S/G/DFi wait in line while DFu/B/M and I offered to go “look around for some booze” to bring back to the group. Unfortunately we were in a “school zone” so none of the bodegas or stores in the area sold booze, so we found a bar and just decided to stay there and drink there ourselves. We tried to get booze to-go for the rest of the group, but the bar didn’t let us do that, so there was really not much more that we could do.
An hour later we come back to Hot Doug’s and our timing was perfect — S/G/DFi were right at the front of the line and furious at us. But we were drunk and content and excited to see this in front of us:
The foie gras hot dog was really incred and all, but fast forward 12 hours and it was being hurled out of my mouth into the toilet at Mother’s (such a waste). This was after the Bulls v. Heat game that we had gone to earlier in the night where we pretty much got kicked out of the stands for being too disturbing to everyone else around us, especially after S spilled his beer all over the black lady in front of us who started screaming racial slurs at us, like You Damn Whiteheads. Lady, don’t get us started with racism. She had no idea who she was dealing with. Two seconds later we were running out of the stadium and headed to Mother’s. Not surprisingly, DFu once again got kicked out this bar and aggressively talked down to the bouncer, so the bouncer followed DFu to the next bar and told that bouncer to not let him in, then DFu tried to go to another bar after that and this bouncer overheard him talking about how he had already gotten kicked out of two other bars, so he didn’t let DFu into that bar either. In total, I think DFu got kicked out of 5 bars that weekend.
B and I left early that night (I knew it was time for me to go when I hurled 3 rounds of chunky hot dogs), and we were awoken first circa 3am to S stumbling into the apartment carrying 2 large pizzas and 3 bags full of french fries, fried onion rings and literally 20 calzones, all for himself — he passed out sleeping upright on a chair with pizzas and calzones sprawled out all over him in usual S style. Then we’re woken up at 4am to DFi barging through the door, who immediately blacks out only to start sleep screaming and sleep walking around the apartment two seconds later. You have never experienced sleep talking until you’ve slept in the same room as DFi. He literally sleep screams for hours, yelling things like OOOOOWWWWWWW SLUTTTTT YOU SLUTTTTT I HATE YOUUUUUUUU, STOP CUTTING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, THEY’RE AFTER MEEEEEEEEE, FUCKKKK YOUUUUUUU, YOU WHOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s pretty funny in retrospect.
After none of us got sleep due to DFi night terrors, we were woken up again at 9am to go watch some more sports at a nearby bar where we continued our weekend trend of offending anyone and everyone around us. We obnoxiously spent the entire day drinking and eating at the bar, then we all passed out that night circa 6pm.
All in all it was a very fratastic weekend. Stamp of approval on Chi Town.