After watching 12 straight hours of NCIS marathon yesterday and 6 straight hours of SATC marathon today, I decided it was finally time to sit upright on my couch and do something productive with my life, like open up my computer, order Seamless, and update my blog on something that happened a month ago.
I don’t feel too behind writing about my Nicaragua trip since I still have the scandalous stringy tan lines on my tits and ass from the way-too-small-for-me bikini I bought on Amazon in preparation for this trip. There was really no point in buying such a scandalous bikini given that a) I was going to a country where I could probably get raped for wearing something like that, and b) I was on adult spring break with 3 other married couples, plus my friend S from college, who would be my surrogate spouse for the week.
While I was living in SF with my bff K and her husband D last year, we started talking about planning an adult spring break with a big group to somewhere that wasn’t Cancun or Acapulco. We started throwing out a bunch of beach destinations — Costa Rica came up a few times, but since some of us had already been there, we decided to go right next door to Nicaragua. People asked me why we chose Nicaragua… it’s so random… but yes, that was literally how we chose that country.
I was really excited for this trip since my tan had started to fade in the miserable NYC winter and I hadn’t seen my SF friends in 8 months, but I didn’t have my expectations up too high since, I mean, what is in Nicaragua — nothing. It would be a nice, calm beach trip where I could just spend 4 days straight getting black and drinking booze with friends.
Nicaragua completely exceeded my expectations. Who thought Nicaragua could be so fun?!?! Not even fellow Central Americans think highly of it. Now it’s one of my top recommendations for 2013.
DAY 1
For this trip we had rented a house through VRBO. The pictures looked great on the site, but obviously we never thought the house would actually be that amazing. Turns out there is one area of San Juan del Sur where there are a dozen $$$$$$$ mansions up on a hill, including those of el Presidente and also of former NBA player Travis Knight:
SJDS House
Our house is the one with the red roof, to the 7:00 of Jesus. Our house was blessed by Him.
Here’s what we arrived to:
Infinity Pool
With this amazing infinity pool overlooking a cliff and two hammocks and two full-time chefs that came with the house (which, by the way, was only ~$60 per person per night for all that #lovethirdworld), on day 1 all we did was hang out by this pool the entire day starting at 8am. I mean, why wouldn’t we. It was too much sun for all the white folk from SF, who decided to go for a hike around 2pm, but I stayed through 6pm of course. Once the sun went down, it was time for homecooked meals from the help. I had forgotten how good homemade dinners are — these cooks would turn the most boring ingredients — like rice and beans — into the most delicious meals.
Homemade Dinner
After dinner, D and L whipped up some delicious cocktails using Flor de Cana, T whipped up some of his rapey drinks using roofies, and we all blacked out on about 7 drinking games.
DAY 2
Day 2 was surfing day for us. I had never been surfing before, and I was a little uncomfortable at first because it meant leaving the house and actually doing something active that required something other than sleeping in the sun all day. We signed up for surfing lessons with a group of young Nicaraguans who looked like they were 15, and we went out stuffed into the back of a pickup truck like a bunch of Mexicans to an isolated beach with some good waves for a group of beginners. This is pretty much exactly the way the lesson went down, no joke:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKIpCPS-oZc
The surfing was actually surprisingly very fun, and I was even able to get up on the board a few times, which was a huge thrill. After a day of surfing, I had a day of bruising — honestly, these surf bruises made it look like I had been giving head for the past 12 hours.
Surf Bruises
To make my knees feel better, I ordered myself some lobster by the beach because it was only $10 for two delicious lobster tails (#poverexicWIN). I couldn’t believe how cheap this country was.
2 lobster tails for $10
DAY 3
After a day of surfing would come a day of boozing. We were signed up for an all-day, all-you-can-eat, all-you-can-drink booze cruise, but somehow the retards got our dates wrong and the cruise guys never showed up, after we waited over an hour in the 100-degree weather for nothing. But we were determined to get our booze on — so we found another company that offered a more ghetto version of the booze cruise on a tiny motorboat, so that’s what we went with for Day 3.
After an incredible lunch in town (see below), we buckled up our orange life vests to get ready to booze.
Tostones
Ceviche
Whole fish
Macua
The booze cruise was ridiculously fun. The captain of the motorboat loved him some Carly Rae Jepsen so we were pumping to that out at sea, we had a bartender who was uber attentive and didn’t ever let our Nica Libres go low, we got to go snorkeling in the middle of the ocean (even though we couldn’t see anything), and we were accompanied by three Marines from Illinois who were catching some red snapper and catching a glimpse of my bare ass every time I jumped on and off the boat. By the end of the booze cruise, S and I were pretty liquored up, and so we went out afterwards with the Marines and ended up staying out drinking with them until midnight, at which point we felt the prudent thing to do was to go home with our married friends so as not to get raped in the bad way and end up on an episode of NCIS. At one point I do have to admit I seriously contemplated banging one of those Marines in the bathroom of the bar upstairs because he just looked like one of those types with a huge dick, until I remembered that I actually hate men in uniform and all Marines likely have AIDS (it’s shocking I like NCIS).
DAY 4
Since we didn’t get to go on the planned booze cruise on Day 3, we decided to go back to the original plan on Day 4. This booze cruise was amazing. We had all-you-can-drink Mai Tais and sailed around on a catamaran all day listening to the best 90s mix and getting served delicious fish tacos.
Fish tacos
The captain of this boat, Capitan Zach, was not in fact Nicaraguan but rather this blond surfer dude from Tacoma, WA, who landed this sweet gig to sail his boat around Nicaragua and get paid a shitload of money to do so — and half the time it was actually his crew doing the steering and him just doing the drinking and hanging out with the party guests. I want his life. And this is what he gets to see every single day:
San Juan del Sur Sunset
It was a perfect way to end a week full of fun, sun, plenty of booze, good food and great company. As T put it, this is how we all felt when adult spring break came to an end:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWjBDPKGJPk
And we will.
Poverexic in NYC 