Poverexic in NYC

12:43 pm

IM from coworker P:

In Defense of Poverexia

Today roommate G chastised me, essentially, for being a moocher.  Now I’ve heard this time and time again, and I can completely see how someone who just casually observes my habits might think so.  But observe carefully, my friend: I don’t take people’s food; I take people’s waste.  What people fail to realize is just how much waste they produce on a daily basis, and I’m not talking about shit.  I literally wait until you put the leftover chow mein in the trash to yell STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I literally wait until the waiter takes away your far-from-empty plate to yell STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s amazing how far one individual can go on everyone else’s waste.  When I was a waitress at the Hong Kong Bar & Restaurant, I survived off secretly eating people’s leftover scallion pancakes and crab rangoon.

That’s a lie.  We had a free dining hall back then.  derrr… awk.

Anyway, today G ate his sesame beef but then started to throw away the container that still had 6 healthy pieces of broccoli in it.

ASDKHljkh@#*&^&%!^@&^(AJKAHSDKJ@# I yelled.

Jesus, you’re such a scrounger!

No sir, I prefer the term “garbage disposal.”  My little garbage disposal.

This was just another one of those typical weekends.

On Saturday I had my usual beef and broccoli with white rice from Tasty King as soon as I woke up at 1pm.  Then, the entire rest of the day, literally all I did was watch TV and fall asleep, watch TV and fall asleep, then watch TV and fall asleep.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog entry, this is a key tactic for poverexics — sleeping through the entire weekend ensures you use up as few calories as possible (ie, save them up for later) and thus decreases the degree of hunger you feel.  When I woke up from my nap(s) circa 9pm, all I needed was a beer to fill my tummy and I was golden.

The night got better when CM gave me a full beer that someone didn’t want at Sweet & Vicious, then we went to Grassroots where beers are $3, then we went to McDonalds at 3am where CG proceeded to order 30 chicken nuggets and fries.  I helped him out some.  But my poverexia’s worst enemy is my extremely slow eating speed.  You would think that I would have learned by now to eat at lightening fast speed, but I am just so slow, ugh.  (This really hit home for me in college when I was dead last in a campus hot dog eating contest. :()  I was trying to chug those chicken nuggets, but I was only through 8 (and A only wanted 6) when CG was already at nugget #14 and then grabs the last 2 in my box of 10.  Sigh.  I really can’t complain, though, since CG put all the nuggets on his card.  So really it was a great win of a night for me.

On Sunday I had my usual beef and broccoli with white rice from Tasty King as soon as I woke up at 1pm.  Then, the entire rest of the day, literally all I did was watch TV and fall asleep, watch TV and fall asleep, then watch TV and fall asleep.

Yes, I did just copy and paste from above.

Things I’ve eaten today:

• 2 Dum-Dums
• 1 Samoa
• 1 canned soup
• 6 cups of coffee

Things I didn’t pay for:

• 2 Dum-Dums
• 1 Samoa
• 6 cups of coffee

12:47 pm

After finishing the 3 oranges I stole yesterday for today’s breakfast, my boss gave me HER LEFTOVER MAC & CHEESE RIGHT AFTER OUR CLIENT CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3:34 pm

AN ENTIRE BOX OF COOKIES IN THE CAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3:35 pm

All the cookies gone.  Luckily I snagged 3 and immediately stuffed them in my face.

3:40 pm

An all-staff email from EVP C:

Hi all,

Just left a box of delicious cookies from the Austin office on the cafe counter — Enjoy!

Best,

C

Way ahead of you C, way ahead of you.  You clearly underestimate us.

6:38 pm

TWO LEFTOVER MINI CUPCAKES ON THE CAFE COUNTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel bad so I only take one.  I go to the bathroom and decide that if the other cupcake is still there by the time I walk back, I get to take it.

6:41 pm

Walking back from the bathroom … Dammit.  Cupcake gone.  Jesus people are quick around here.

Just then, coworker D walks by — “L, I left you a treat on your desk!  Have a good night!”

Gasp!  I run back to my desk … CUPCAKE.

9:12 pm

ROOMMATE G BRINGS HOME HALF A DOZEN DUNKIN’ DONUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been a sweet day.

10:35 am

ORANGES ARE THE FRUIT OF THE WEEK AT THE OFFICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Number of oranges I’ve eaten as of 10:35 am : 4

Percent intake of Vitamin C as of 10:35 am : 800

Risk of acidic overdose as of 10:35 am : 75%

Number of oranges I’ve stashed for tomorrow : 3

4:43 pm

LEFTOVER PIZZA IN THE OFFICEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am really ecstatic because it’s tomato basil mozarella.  I am really upset because I literally just finished my thing of ramen literally 2 minutes ago.  If I had been alerted to the free pizza boxes 5 minutes earlier, I wouldn’t have opened a new thing of ramen and would have an extra thing of ramen for another day.  Moving forward — in the words of Tracy Morgan from “REALLY!?! with Tracy Morgan” — I really really really REALLY don’t want you to do this.  REALLY.

9:21 pm

Total of items I’ve consumed today:

4 fresh oranges

1 ramen (chicken flavor)

1 pizza slice (tomato basil mozarella)

Well, you can say this weekend was a Patsy’s pizza weekend, meaning, I only ate Patsy’s pizza literally all weekend.

On Saturday S, B, A, C and I were March Madness-ing at S’s and we decide to accompany our beers and Bourbon with some food.  We go into literally a 20 minute discussion on whether we should order pizza or Vietnamese food, and of course pizza wins because the crowd was 3.5 white people vs 1.5 Asians  (A = 1/2 and 1/2).

But the thing is, there were 5 people, but I was surprisingly genuinely not hungry at all (full of B&B, beer and bourbon), and B is an anorexic vegan — i.e., really only S, A and C were going to be eating.  S knew this, but of course he orders 3 large pizzas for 3 eating people.  So the pizza comes, and naturally A and C only eat 2 slices like normal people, S eats like 6, I help myself to all the crust that he leaves behind, and B nervously picks off the mushrooms and sun dried tomatoes.

Then there’s literally an entire large pizza leftover, and I get really upset because I hate it (slash, LOVE IT) when people overestimate the amount of food they’re going to be eating and waste a ton of good food.  As per the usual, I start yelling at S and lecturing him on how to accurately estimate the amount of pizza he should order for 2 normal people + 1 anorexic + 1 poverexic + 1 man bear pig, and I am trying to understand why bankers like him choose to throw good leftovers away instead of saving it for later like a normal-income person.

Anyway, needless to say, I lost the battle (slash, WON THE BATTLE) and took home the entire large leftover pizza, which became my meals for literally the entire weekend.

Brilliant discovery by co-worker and co-bacon lover K:

Bacon Donuts

We will be attending this incred event.  Although I hate Brooklyn, I may have to suck it up for this.

Run by The Chili Takedown, this event is taking place on Sunday, March 29th, at Radegast Hall & Beer Garden in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.  Thirty bacon dishes go head to head.  Anything and everything goes as long as it includes bacon.  Only $10 to get in, taste all ofthe entries, and vote on the winner.  And it’s in a beer garden which is just like icing on the meat cake.

For more information visit http://baconnation.ning.com/events/the-brooklyn-bacon-takedown

OMFG last night was the most incred night ever.  This is what M, L, W and I did:

http://eater.com/archives/2009/03/genius_gimmicks_gossip_girl_at_park_avenue_winter.php

Gossip Girl promotion at Park Ave Winter: free meals and drinks for dressing like a (slutty) schoolgirl!!!!!!!!!!!

Here’s what I had:

Appetizer: Venison Steak Tartare

Signature Side Dish: Broccoli and Cheetos

Side Dish #2: Potato Latkes

Lobster (which I split with L's filet mignon for surf and turf)

Chocolate Cube

PLUS A DIRTY MARTINI (my drink of choice) AND A LYCHEE MARTINI!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ALL FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so excited and I knew I was in luck because I was with three girls on diets with a shitload of food on our table — I was confident that one of them wouldn’t be able to/want to finish her meal.

Boy was I wrong.

I kept a hawk eye on their plates through every course of the meal.  After everyone had finished their entrees, M still had two bites of her filet mignon left on her plate.  I stuck to my 10-minute rule.  M hadn’t picked up her fork in nearly 15.

“Hey M, are you not going to eat that or something.”

“You know what, L — I just might eat it, I just might.”

And then she did.  Fuck.

Regardless, I really have no complaints from last night.  It was really quite incred.  You know you love me.

xoxo

Poverexic Girl

Roommate L made the greatest discovery ever: http://scanwiches.com/

Sandwiches I’ve had: none.  Sandwiches I want: all.

Check out this one:

Mooncake: Steak, Peppers, Lettuce, Herbal Mayo on a baguette

Fortunately, Mooncake is right across the street from my office.  Unfortunately, I don’t buy food.

On a related note, check out my friend LP’s newest blog: http://boredeatersanonymous.wordpress.com/