Poverexic in NYC

This past weekend was my puta J’s wedding in Dallas, which meant free food, free booze, free dudes.  I got so stuffed this weekend that I thought I’d be full for an entire week, but it’s had the opposite effect on me where it actually stretched out my stomach so I’ve been ravenous for the past 48 hours.  Dammit.

For me the poverexic-friendly week actually began last Wednesday when I stayed at my parents’ house in my not-so-beloved hometown.  I’m not really sure if my parents noticed my poverexia or what, but my mom had completely changed from her old “That why you a large Asian, because you EAT EAT EAT!!!!” don’t-give-our-daughter-any-more-food Asian mother to a new Jewish mother-esque “You want this??!?  What else you want to eat?!?!  What else you want to buy at grocery store?!??!  This a good Japanese snack.”  Anyway, between Wed Thai curry lunch, Wed Japanese grocery snacks and cakes, Wed sushi dinner with the fam, Wed cupcake dessert from my sister, Thurs homemade lunch, Thurs steak dinner, and Thurs drinks with J and D, I literally thought I wasn’t going to fit into my bridesmaid dress by Saturday.

Anyway, my puta J’s wedding festivities started on Friday with the bridesmaid luncheon at Maudee’s on Lovers Lane, where I had scones and clotted cream and jam with about 10 cups of tea and this:

Maudee's brunch

Tuna salad, tomato soup and fruit salad, finishing it off with peach cobbler with Blue Bell ice cream — Texas’ finest ice cream and considered the best in the country because it contains about an entire cowload more of butter and sugar than ice cream made in other normal states in the U.S.

Peach Cobbler

Next was our arrival at the Four Seasons to get ready for the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.  We were super excited to spend the weekend at this incredible resort, but unfortunately the Four Seasons in Dallas is now severely understaffed and service was the worst piece of crap I’d ever encountered in my entire life.  I literally had people servicing me better at a hostel in the middle of nowhere in Uruguay.

Of course this was unacceptable in my eyes and I genuinely believe people who can’t do their job right shouldn’t deserve to live, so I had a nice little chat with the manager at the Four Seasons and kindly but firmly negotiated a nice cart of this for free to be delivered to our room to make up for their lack of service:

Free wine, cheese, chocolate covered strawberries

To be honest, I thought we deserved more than 2 bottles of wine for 8 girls, so I called back the next day while we were getting ready for the wedding and negotiated 2 additional bottles of wine.

The wedding rehearsal went well and the groomsmen were nice, and on we go to the rehearsal dinner at Via Real for Tex Mex, or in my case, more steak.  These appetizers were good (below) but the chips and guac/salsa were a bit off with the salsa kinda tasting like Prego sauce and the guac tasting like salmonella-infused egg.  I of course still finished off about 2 full baskets of chips and 3 bowls each of salsa and guac regardless of the odd taste because it was still free food.

Via Real appetizers

For the entree we got about 8 different options, but why would I go for anything other than the filet mignon that came with grilled shrimp, mashed potatoes and vegetables.  I overheard someone at the other table talk about getting the shrimp entree, and I was just like what an idiot, why on earth would you get the shrimp entree if the steak entree comes with shrimp.  Some people just don’t know how to order right.

Filet Mignon

The filet and shrimp were absolutely delicious, but what really impressed me about this restaurant were the bottomless margaritas.  Now the service at the Four Seasons was crap, but the service at Via Real was INCREDIBLE!!!  I literally never went 5 minutes without a kind waiter leaning over and refilling my margarita glass.  I loved these people.  We made such great friends with the waiters.  And the margaritas were literally the most delicious things I’d ever tasted.  I must have had 10+ glasses, and I woke up the next morning literally feeling like a million bucks.  It was like I had the opposite of a hangover.  10 of these margaritas and you’ll be cured of anything!!!  It was a Christmas miracle!!!  They were so delicious.  Oh yeah, and the dessert was delish too.

Flan

The after-party was at the Four Seasons bar where we got vouchers that were apparently for happy hour priced drinks but instead we convinced the bar manager that they were supposed to be for free drinks, so that worked out great.

The next day was wedding day and I woke up feeling like a million bucks only to find out that I had apparently missed a free brunch of bagel and lox and then immediately wanted to kill someone.  Way to kill my amazing margarita anti-hangover.  Anyway, I didn’t have time to think about food — it was hair, makeup, dress time and then the ceremony, which was beautiful and Jewish with a really pretty huppah.

Right after the ceremony was cocktail hour, and after that morning’s enraging incident with the lox, I was determined to get first pick on the sushi boat that I knew was going to make an appearance at the cocktail hour.  As soon as I made my exit out the ceremony hall with my groomsman, I immediately started running around the cocktail room frantically in search of the sushi boats.  I didn’t immediately find it and I was also distracted by all the other hors d’oeuvres and trays of drinks that were running into me – like cocktail shrimp shooters, salmon squares, tamales, crabcakes, and really really good signature pomegranate mojitos.  And then, I see a line, and then a light, and Jew angels singing.  IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SUSHI BOAT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!  There was a line but the great thing about weddings is that everyone respects the wedding party and understands that we are first for everything, so I was able to join into the front of the line, no question, and got myself a plateful of every kind of sushi there was on the boats.

The dinner that followed was incredible too, and that’s where I got my third consecutive steak with mashed potato pie and asparagus that made my pee smell later in the night when I kept pissing in the hotel pool after we all jumped in with our bridesmaid dresses.

Filet Mignon

Dessert was of course the wedding cake, which was 4 layers of red velvet, strawberries and cream, pink champagne, and cheesecake mousse.

Puta Cake

This was all accompanied by Johnnie Walker on the rocks all night long since apparently the signature mojitos were only for the cocktail hour.  That made the hora super fun and dizzy and the party was over before I knew it.  The rest of the night was then spent in the hotel pool in our bridesmaid dresses and before I knew it I was the only bridesmaid left with a pool full of the groom’s friends.  The following morning I did not feel like a million bucks, but there was a free brunch to look forward to even though apparently I missed out on the lox YET AGAIN.  These Jews were so quick to get to the lox.  So I had tuna salad instead on my bagel with fresh fruit and blintzes.

Post-wedding brunch

What a wonderfully purple and poverexic-friendly weekend.  Congratulations Mrs. Puta Potato!

Was in SF this past weekend for K’s bridal shower and bachelorette party which was loads of funs and disasters, and BFFs were together again for the first time since J’s wedding in January.  The theme of the weekend was Naughty & Nice — the naughty part clearly just means a shitload of cocks, which is what we had on Friday night for lowkey girls night over wine, thai food and this:

Frozen Dick

E’s specialty homemade dessert: frozen banana dick with strawberry balls, chocolate pubes and whipped cream jizz.  We also got a few treats from Hot Cookie in the Castro, and this thing was literally the best black cock I’d ever tasted in my entire life.

Dick on a stick

Huge chocolate covered macaroon dicks on sticks with coconut pubes and realistic veins.  mmmmm they were seriously the best dicks ever.  We thoroughly enjoyed those treats while playing ‘Pin the Dick on D’ and ‘Sculpt-a-Willy,’ where we had 3 minutes to sculpt fun shaped willies with colorful playdo.

Saturday was K’s bridal shower over brunch at Paul K, where we struck up a deal for bottomless pomegranate bellinis, or – because K loves bellinis – bottomless ‘Kellinis.’  Along with approximately 6-7 Kellinis, I had the most delicious eggs benedict with dungeness crab and the rest of D’s leftover salad.

Paul K Eggs Benedict

I also had this dessert specially ordered for K — a mini 3-tiered wedding cake made of nutella cupcake at the bottom, carrot cake in the middle, and red velvet cake on top!

Mini 3-tiered cake

I also got cupcakes for everyone else, but apparently everyone was on a diet or something because out of the dozen cupcakes I bought, I think there were literally 8 leftover, which we of course ate for breakfast for the next few days.

That Takes the Cake

Well so the shower was a success but those Kellinis really hit me hard… I nearly wanted to die when we all decided to go shopping immediately afterward and then go see “Eat Pray Love.”  I 100% slept through that entire movie.

Luckily, that midday hangover nap got me completely energized for naughty night out for K’s bachelorette party at Asia SF, San Fran’s very well known “high class” drag show featuring beautiful Asian he/shes.  In the spirit of Asia SF, we got K a blowup male doll with a detachable dildo and three openings for the dick, the mouth and the ass that she had to drag around with her for the entire night.  We also pregamed the night with countless bottles of champagne, and since we ran out of that and had to leave for dinner/show, the only alcoholic drink we could find to bring with us in the bright red penis water bottle that I bought was half a bottle of vodka, to which we added a splash of leftover soda water, filled the rest with regular water, and squeezed half a lemon into it.  It was literally the most disgusting penis drink I could have ever imagined it, but J downed it in literally 2 seconds during the cab ride out and left nothing for the rest of us.  I guess she likes that stuff.

Anyway, not only was the drag show incred (highlight was one of the ladies of Asia SF singing “Sore, wet, hot, bald pussy, just a friendly little cat”), but the food was incred as well.  They literally came out with like 30 plates of food for our table, including chicken satays, quesadillas, beef salad, ahi tuna sliders, ribs, truffled soba noodles, fried fish, lamb, miniature ice cream cones and more.  This was actually one of those very rare instances where there was actually leftover food on the table when we left the show, but I just literally could not fit any more food in my stomach because I would have hurled all over the place from being full and wasted.

Asia SF Dinner

After the humongoid meal came dessert, which was an incredibly tasty “Rock Hard Porn Star” cake by Bettie Cocker with the best message ever, “Make a wish and blow!” with white sweet cream jizz spilling out, which E was all over.  And a blow job shot off a drag queen’s crotch for K (wouldn’t be a complete Asia SF experience without that).

Bettie Cocker Cake

The rest of the night turned disastrous in a fantastic way when the blowup doll deflated as I attempted to detach the dildo, we ended up at some club in Union Square, and we ran into a bachelor party where the guys were not so good looking but they did have table service with bottles of grey goose so we talked to them.  We got each of the boys to gang lapdance K, we all danced the night away with them and our deflated male companion, and we got them to buy us endless rounds of shots and drinks.  The night ended way too early with last call at 1:45am.

It was a wonderful weekend that ended super poverexic-friendly when D/K very generously treated us to brunch at Chouquet’s the next morning as we all felt like death, K’s dad bought us dinner that night at Perry’s, and D bought me dinner the following night at India Palace all you can eat Indian buffet.  It was Asian Girl v. Food and Asian Girl won.

India Palace

Such a great weekend.  Heart wedding season.

This weekend was full of birthdays.  Friday was S’s bday at Mari Vanna, a truly authentic Russian restaurant with non-English-speaking Russian prostitutes wearing the shortest dresses made by man as waitresses and the most impressive infused vodka list I’d ever seen.  This is S’s new fav restaurant, and apparently leading up to his bday dinner he had already been to Mari Vanna twice that week, including the day before his bday dinner.  Best item on the menu: caviar.  Best thing about the caviar: it comes in one of those Russian babushka dolls. O-M-GGGGGGG

Babushka Caviar

So clever.  I hearted.  And the caviar with blinis were delish.  S let me have one.

Smoke salmon, caviar and blini

After this expensive appetizer, I ordered myself a pear martini made with pear infused vodka and blended pear, and chicken kiev for dinner, which was incred.  You cut into the chicken and out spurts an entire melted stick of pesto butter (that’s what she said).  It was the most anti-poverexic dinner I had ever been to in my entire life.

Chicken Kiev

In comparison to S’s caviar/blinis, C’s beef stroganoff, E’s stuffed cabbage and my/F’s chicken kiev, this is what D gets:

Wieners and potatoes

Just look at that.  Can’t help but laugh.

After this incredibly delicious yet painfully expensive meal, we decided to go out in Gramercy, which was like kill yourself because every bar in Gramercy is just filled with a bunch of Murray Hill people who decide they want to get crazy and get out of Murray Hill for a night and “explore another neighborhood.”  I actually, though, surprisingly had a good time at Black Bear Lodge playing games and getting all my drinks for free and shotgunning PBRs… actually shotgunning PBRs not so fun after I thought I was going to die after my first one and then wanted to continue dying when the guys kept buying bucket after bucket after bucket of ice cold PBRs.

This night followed by Saturday night of A’s bday at Piano’s with free drink tickets from the VJ and all-night techno dancing really destroyed me for Sunday afternoon.  Tasty King preassseeeeee.

Last weekend was my puta J’s bridal shower and bachelorette party and it was incred.  It really was.  Saturday started out with the bridal shower at puta J’s NY mansion where E brought over literally the most impressive array of appetizers, which she started making at the buttcrack of dawn at 6am and we started picking at starting at around 10am.  There was tuna salad stuffed cucumbers, turkey/roast beef/ham wraps, bagel and lox, crostini with tomatoes/peppers, tomato/basil/mozzarella, mini 7-layer-dip cups, bread bowl with dip, crudite, chips and guac/salsa, watermelon balls, etc etc etc.

Shower Food

More Shower Food

We also had these mini cupcakes from Magnolia’s and we flagged them with 25 reasons why her fiance A loves puta J, which ironically coincided with 25 things we hate about J, for example like “she loves babies and small animals” or “she’s really good at knitting.”  (But we still really love you J).

Cupcakes for J

This was my fav part of the shower — the drink station, with purple pomegranate margaritas, purple Andre’s champagne, regular Andre’s champagne with a splash of purple grape juice (J loves purple).  By the end of the shower, literally everyone there was completely shitfaced except for J, who had to keep her composure due to the presence of her entire extended family.

Drink Station

Later that night was the bachelorette party with our good friend blowup doll Jorge, who decided to come along for the ride.  I had never been to Lucky Cheng’s before last weekend, and it was absolutely ridic.  In addition to a lovely drag show, a balloon guy came around and made J a nice hat of a balloon dude banging a balloon chick.  We also bought J a lapdance with one of the drags, who gave her a good 15 minute lapdance that consisted of rubbing her fake tits in J’s face, then flipping upside down on top of J so that her ass was rubbing into J’s face, then flipped around again so that her V/D was rubbing into J’s face, then flipped J around so that J’s ass and V were rubbing into the drag queen’s face, etc etc etc.  It was quite the AIDS-filled show.  Then, they picked out some random dude in the audience and J had to give an awk lapdance to the poor guy although he seemed to enjoy it so I guess that’s ok.

On top of the entertainment, the food was super good and Asian.

Lucky Cheng Dinner

And we also of course bought her a delicious D cake that was supposed to say “Make a wish and blow,” but apparently Asians can’t spell and instead it said “Ma A Wish And Blow.”

MA A Wish

The rest of the night was a bit hazy but all I know is that J wasn’t completely blackout, which really upset me, so I’m making that my mission for her wedding night.  My disappointment went away the next morning though when we went out for a farewell brunch at Dos Caminos with the bridesmaids and J’s and A’s families, and A PICKED UP THE ENTIRE TAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It was literally the most generous thing I had ever heard of.  I heart bankers.  I can’t believe I got an entire bowl of chips/guac, huevos rancheros, a bloody mary and coffee for free.  What a poverexic friendly way to end an anti-poverexic weekend.  Can’t wait for the wedding – food and booze are supposed to be incred, among other things of course.