Poverexic in NYC

Chag sameach!  I love passover because it usually means when there’s leftover meeting food, none of my Jewish coworkers can touch it MUAH HA HA!  However, today there were unfortunately no leftover sandwiches for me and the non-Jews to take advantage of.  So instead I took 4 sheets of matzo from Jewish coworker A and spread some almond butter on them that ex-coworker J had gifted to me when she left the company 2 months ago, and I ate that for breakfast and lunch.

I told another Jew friend A about this, who responded the following.  Coworker A and friend A actually have the same name but with an extra letter and pronounced differently and it’s completely confusing.  I get it wrong every time.

A: almond butter

that’s a good idea

i had mine with spray butter

not as good

mmmmmmm spray butttteeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr

Speaking of Jew, roommate L is coming home today from a weekend spent in Boston, and you know what that means.  ROOMMATE TASTY KING DINNER OVER LOST!!!

Here’s what roommate L discovered today:

Lisa’s internal Math:

roommate leaves for weekend + roommate comes back after weekend = Tasty King

Every Saturday and Sunday = Tasty King

Any event out of ordinary + Day during the week which is not Sat or Sun = Tasty King

Tasty King + The decision to try something new = Tragedy

Tasty King + boneless spare ribs or any soup combination = Happiness

Happiness = Tasty King

If inserting the Law that nothing can equal Tasty King, nor can Tasty King be included in any form of addition, then the following.

Every Sat and Sunday = Try to Bone

Any event out of the ordinary = Try to Bone

The Decision to try something new = AIDS

The decision to stick with what has worked in the past = Sore Vag (hopefully)

Happiness = Bone

Tragedy = Non Bone

THEREFORE, IN LISA’S MIND

TASTY KING = BONE

These past 2 weeks in March have been absolutely incred at work.  It really HAS been March Madness, but to me March Madness means an entire month with a SHIT TON OF FOOD IT’S MADNESS!!!!!!!!  I literally have not had to buy a single meal for myself (lunch or dinner) for essentially 2 straight weeks.  What I think is really going on is that there have been a lot of new people joining our office in March, so I think the company is trying to impress them and make them think “wow this place is so AWESOME!!!” by presenting them with a shit ton of food.  Every day there have been meetings with sandwiches, wraps, pasta, salad, fruit, cookies, etc etc etc.  AND I TAKE ALL OF IT.

On both Monday and Tuesday there were lunch meetings with PIZZA and beer (Monday from Papa Johns, Tuesday from Domino’s), so I shoved 3 slices in my mouth during the “meetings” (don’t even know what they were about) and took 1 slice to go.  The trick is to really express interest to your team about the “meetings” and pretend that you’re not at all going for the food.  Although by now my team can see right through it…

“Hey, I’ll be back in about an hour — I really want to go to this presentation on X; it sounds like it could really benefit our business.  I’ll report back to the team.”

“You’re just going for the pizza aren’t you.”

…………………………….. dammit.  They know me too well.

On Wednesday we had an all-staff meeting with sliders, mini jalapeno cheese biscuits with pulled pork, spicy chicken on a stick, fried chicken on a stick, crabcakes, chips and guac/salsa and 5 different kinds of beer.  I was actually luckily in that same meeting room right before for another meeting, so I got a great head start on all that food.  Also that same day I discovered a beautiful array of leftovers sandwiches and penne pasta with cherry tomatoes and mozzarella, so I took a big plateful of food from both mounds and saved both plates for the rest of the week (they lasted through Friday dinner).

On Thursday my new boss took me out to lunch to discuss my “career goals” and what I wanted in life.  UM WHAT I WANT IN LIFE IS TO ACTUALLY MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO WHERE I CAN ACTUALLY AFFORD TO EAT 2 HEALTHY MEALS A DAY.  Is that seriously too much to ask for.  I’m not even asking for breakfast.  At least I got a huge healthy salad with red and yellow beets, yellow squash, cauliflower and tomatoes for free that day.

Great week.

So I’m a bridesmaid in 4 weddings this year: J’s this past January, my puta J’s in August, K’s in October and D’s in April.  I’M SUPER PSYCHED, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE 2 OF THEM ARE JEW WEDDINGS.  But I’m especially excited because that means 4 rehearsal dinners, 4 bridesmaids luncheons, 4 cocktail hours and 4 wedding dinners ALL WITH AMAZING FOOD.  I still salivate thinking about J’s rehearsal dinner with cornbread stuffed quail and filet mignon and incred hors d’oeuvres.  I tried to get my puta J to cater from our favorite all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant next door to the Four Seasons for her cocktail hour, but unfortunately my idea got turned down.

BUT!!!  Here’s what’s up for my puta J’s rehearsal dinner in Dallas:

J: it’s going to be at via real – across the street from four seasons – upscale southwestern

me: OHHHHHHHH

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

DERICIOUSSSSSSSSS

whats the food?!?!??!?!

TELL MEEEEEEEEEE

J: hahahah

the main course will be choice of

Sautéed jumbo shrimp in a citrus-garlic mojo salsa on cilantro potatoes with garlic asparagus

Grilled chicken breast, sherry-cilantro cream sauce, Spanish rice and fresh vegetables

fajitas, Chicken or beef, sautéed onions and peppers, pico de gallo, and borracho beans

8 oz salmon filet drizzled with coconut jalapeno sauce and set on top of cilantro

Zucchini and squash enchiladas with sour cream and queso sauces or fresh spinach with sautéed onions
and tomatoes with tomatillo and sour cream sauces, black beans and Mexican corn

or

6 oz. Filet paired with gulf shrimp golden Yukon potatoes,
fresh vegetables and our house steak sauce

and there will be beer, wine, margaritas… i think we are going to do fajita nachos for appetizers and guacamole of course

me: HOLY SHIT WHAT

WAIT WHAT

HEY

J: what what what

me: WAIT

CAN YOU EXPLAIN

WAIT

i don’t understand, we get a choice of like 8 entrees to choose from?

J: SIIIIIIIIII

me: HOLY CRAP

WHAT

J: you don’t have to pick in advance

me: THAT MAKES THE DECISION SO DIFFICULT

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT

OMG

J: i mean there will be a menu at the dinner

me: OH NO

J: and you pick then

me: I DON’T KNOW

I WANT ALL!!!!!

J: IT’S OTAY YOU HAVE 6 MONTHS TO DECIDE!!!!!!!!!

me: are there any anorexic ppl at your wedding

like who should i sit next to at the dinner

WHAT THE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I love jew.

For more info on the wedding, please visit http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/myputa&mrpotato

After a month-long hiatus, roommate K this week inspired me to revive my blog by coming up with the most brilliant invention made by woman: MEATLOAF CUPCAKES WHAT SHUT YOUR MOUTH.  My roommates seriously think up the most creative ways to utilize our cupcake pan.  I was excited when K said she wanted to make meatloaf (who knew she cooked?) but NOT AS EXCITED AS I GOT WHEN I SAW HER SMOOOOSHING THE RAW MEAT INTO THE CUPCAKE HOLES.  I should have known anything K was going to make was going into cupcake form.

Meatloaf Cupcakes

OMG!!!!!!!!!!

ASDFHASJDHFJKHAJHJ!!!!!!!@(*!&*%@^&%^&!@!!!

And then, roommate M jumps in and starts making mashed potatoes with scallions and garlic and bacon and then FRIES THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fried Bacon Scallion Mashed Potatoes

AND THEN!!!!!  WE FROSTED THE MEATLOAF CUPCAKES WITH THE BACON MASHED POTATOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It was SO BRILLIANT.