Poverexic in NYC

From: E
Date: Sat, Feb 28, 2009 at 7:06 PM
Subject: yo
To: L

I think i may have mentioned this that one nite at Underbar, but I am really into poverexia.

I have been living this way for years.

When I worked for the collectible figurines store, I packed myself a lunch every day.  It consisted of:

– Thermosful of coffee (1qt), brewed at 6am every morning because they CHARGED us for coffee.  3 cups just had to be enough.
– One PB&J (Wheat Wonderbread), eaten at appx. 11am.
– One half PB&Js (Wheat Wonderbread), eaten between 2pm and 4pm.
– Option of two Sunshine fruit bars ($1.79 for 8 from KMart) or two additional half PB&Js for 6pm and the train ride home.

After several months at that job, I had lost an alarming amount of weight, which I discovered when I needed a picture for my Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader contestant application and realized that I looked like an AIDS patient in anything taken over the previous few months.

While I tutored, I was:

– Fed by the nice Jewish families for which I worked
– Fed by the banker / then-consultant roomies’ leftovers.
– For dinner on days when I didn’t have work, or for lunch, I generally had “salad.”

“Salad” = iceberg lettuce ($0.99 at the Associated sometimes – was ALWAYS $0.99 at the Met in the East Village near where I used to live) + “dressing” (combination of White Rose mayo and Super A hot sauce ($1.79 for a BIG bottle!) + sometimes Baco-Bits, if i had them.

Also, if you eat enough Kashi GoLean ($3.59 – surprisingly cheap – at the Whole Foods. Whole Foods is a closet discount store if you skip anything for which they hawk free samples or have a dedicated display and manage to fight your way through to the very back of the store) – if you eat enough GoLean, you feel sick enough that you won’t want to eat anything else for a while.  This works even better with GoLean Crunch.

“Poverexia” also reminds me of drunklemia, a technique that I perfected junior summer when i was living on D’s couch involving a little finger-throat action before bed anytime i got hammered.  Still by FAR the most effective method for avoiding hangovers that I’ve ever encountered.

Anyway, keep up the good work on the blog,

E

8:07 am

Coworker P is my partner in crime at work.  We keep each other very closely in the loop and alert each other immediately whenever we suspect there’s free food in the office.

This morning I’m coming to my desk and pass the kitchen, when I see this entire bag of mini bagels that someone has left out on the kitchen counter.  I really spotted them half an hour ago, so per my standard protocol I wait 30 minutes, at which point I make the decision that someone must have left them out for others to take, not that they forgot and left them out by accident (because in that case, it’s really just their fault for being careless).  I mean, we work in a very fast-paced industry; you gotta act quick around here or someone else will beat you to it.  And I’m the queen of competition when it comes to food, or anything else for that matter.

So I sneak around to grab P and whisper “P, come here for a sec.”  We both tip toe over to the kitchen and I point and inform her, “Look!  Those have been out on the counter for half an hour (I’ve been timing).  Do you think we can—

P:  OMG THOSE ARE MINE, L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me:  Oh.  WELL P, WHY’D YOU LEAVE THEM OUT?!?!??!??! YOU KNOW PEOPLE LIKE ME ARE LURKING AROUND EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P:  I KNOW I FORGOT I CAN’T BELIEVE I DID THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me:  P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEARLY TOOK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P:  DAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! …  Do you want one.

me:  Yes.

2:32 pm

I’m heating up my canned split pea soup in the office kitchen, when I spot out of the corner of my eye what looks to be some rice in the trash can.  I slowly turn my head in disbelief to find an entire container full of leftover fried rice (looked like pork fried rice to be specific) and I gasped.  Coworker D walks into the kitchen at that time and asks what’s wrong.  I simply point to the trash can.  “L, don’t pick it out of the trash.  Just walk away.  Just walk away,” says D.  I let out a cry, then slowly and sadly take my green soup out of the microwave and walk back to my desk.

5:45 pm

L makes a wonderful discovery for me — looks like this is the way to go moving forward:

http://i.gizmodo.com/5161137/your-iphone-is-now-a-kitchen-thanks-to-cooking-mama

Your iPhone Is now a Kitchen Thanks to Cooking Mama!

You might not have time for breakfast before getting on the 8:15 train to work, but you can regain part of the experience by making virtual bacon and coffee en route to the office. Cooking Mama on the iPhone looks graphically similar to the Nintendo DS iterations, except that you only have one screen, and now you use your finger to control the action (notice the control overlay).

8:32 pm

I had a proud moment tonight.  Roommate L walks through the door proclaiming, “I’m going to follow in your footsteps and become poverexic!  I realized today how easy it is to skip dinner and save $10 a night.  I ate a big lunch today at 3pm and I’m not hungry at all!”

I was a proud mama!  I am SO happy for you L!  You will soon learn that you will save SO much money by skipping one or more meals a day.  I was determined to convert all the rest of my friends, one friend at a time.  Next target is other roommate G.

8:36 pm

L:  I caved.

me:  What?

L:  I caved.  I couldn’t do it.  I ordered some scallion pancakes.

me:  L … I am so disappointed in you.

L:  I know… 😦

me:  Can I have some when it comes.

HAPPY FAT TUESDAY!!!!! One of my fav all time holidays — Mardi Gras, St. Paddy’s and Purim (Haman BOOOOO)

Today was great because I was voted on to the office Mardi Gras Party Planning Committee (MGPPC), which meant I got to pick out all the food for the party, i.e., for myself — e.g., “Hey, I really think we should get a few more King Cakes just in case we run out”; “Don’t you think everyone would really appreciate an assortment of cheese, fruit, veggie and cookie platters, along with maybe some bags of popcorn and pretzels, and some chips and salsa and guac?”; “I would recommend a few additional bottles of dark rum for the Hurricanes…”

So all of the above is what we ended up ordering, along with a few other things I threw in last-minute.

I was SO excited for the King Cakes, but then when I opened up the boxes I literally yelled WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS (and then took it back because I remembered I was right near our CEO).  The “King Cakes” that we had gotten from this “really good” bakery in Soho apparently didn’t know what the fuck King Cakes actually were.  I actually think this may be a New York thing.  I would say 9.5/10 of my East Coast friends did not know what King Cake, beignets, hurricanes or hand grenades were.  Blasphemy.

Anyway, these faux King Cakes seriously just looked like a huge round thing of baklava.  And that is literally what they were.  I mean…

King Cake??? WRONG!!!

And to top it off, I thought I found a BJ inside (baby jesus), but when I took a closer look, it was the virgin mary.  I mean, really???

baby jesus??? NOPE!!!

What is wrong with these people?!?!?!?!

I was so disappointed in NYC’s concept of “King Cake” that I decided to show them what it was all about by making my incredible hurricanes, which were a huge hit — gee, my former bartending skills sure did pay off!  The recipe?  Simple — lots of free ingredients, 3 cups of deliciousness, 1 cup of rage (for office use only), and priceless amounts of poverexic love.

Let me just say that foreigners completely dominated the Oscars last night.  The viewing was held at S’s apt as usual, but this time it was I who provided the meal for a change.  And when I provide the meal it of course means that it’s a bucket of KFC original recipe with potato wedges and mashed potatoes.  S is the only person who will  split a KFC bucket with me since I guess he is the only other person who doesn’t get grossed out by it — oh, and Carrie Bradshaw.

Anyway, I will spend $20 on a bucket of KFC if S will eat it, since he always feeds me and I owe him a million meals, but I can only justify spending that much money on food if he will eat it; I would never spend $20 on a meal on myself.  So imagine my rage when S refuses to eat it at first and threatens to order something else.  I threw a complete fit, screaming YOU BETTER FUCKING EAT THAT CHICKEN, YOU BETTER FUCKING FINISH THOSE THIGHS BECAUSE I BOUGHT THIS ENTIRE BUCKET FOR YOU.  I’m pretty sure everyone else in the room thought I was psycho, but really I’m just poverexic.

And then as if that weren’t enough, S nearly throws out a half-eaten pint of chocolate Haagen Daz, and I yell hysterically as he’s putting it in the trash can, ARE YOU FUCKING THROWING THAT AWAY!?!??!? ARE YOU FUCKING THROWING OUT AN ENTIRE PINT OF HAAGEN DAZ?!?!?!  THAT CAN FEED ME FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was in a room full of bankers, none of whom appreciate the value of food, and that combined with the fact that Penelope “I can’t-speak-English-worth-shit” Cruz won best supporting actress made me so pissed that I just took a random danish that I found on S’s living room table and stuffed it in my purse.

Anyway, the point of that story was that I now have enough food to last me through the rest of the week.

Well yesterday turned into a lovely night when I became a victim of an attempted mugging.

I left the apt a little past midnight to meet M et al at Bro J’s, and I’m walking down 14th at my usual speedy pace when I hear someone running up behind me.  I turn around and this guy is just jogging at a comfortable pace, then suddenly grabs my clutch and tries to steal it away.  I am like WTF and hold on to it with all my might and yell WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and he runs off mumbling “Aw man…!”

“Aw man”??? like really??? You just fucking tried to mug me you fucking cunt.  Somehow I always get into these not-so-serious mugging situations, like when I was held up at gun point in NOLA a few years back, and then in retrospect realized that it may or may not have been a toy pistol.

Anyway, thank god he didn’t actually succeed in mugging me since I had like $120 on me, which is my biweekly cash flow after monthly expenses.  I was so thankful that I decided to spend the rest of my cash on drinks and cabs that night to avoid some other mugger taking it away from me.  Woke up this morning and realized I spent $50+ just in cabs since I went from PCVST to UES back down to LES back up to UES then back down to PCVST, and another $40+ on vodka sodas.  At least A helped my financial situation by buying me beer and late night pizza after taking pity on my near-mugging situation.  Thanks A.

Accounting is my #1 competitor.  Seriously, I don’t know what their deal is, but they are nearly just as good as I am at sniffing out free food in the office.  I’m at an advantage because my desk is right next to the kitchen, so I can hear whenever a food cart rolls in, but what is accounting’s deal!??!?!  Why are they so good at hunting down food?!?!?!  Because of them today I could only snag half a sandwich and a cookie!!!!!!!!  They get to all the free food first, they’re never really working, and they get to leave at 5pm.  How did they end up with such an easy life while poor 25-year-old little girl over here is starving and working for what calculates out to about $7/hour?!?!?!

10: 16 pm

Starving but no food available so going to watch Top Chef instead.

10:24 pm

Well, the good thing about working 13+ hours straight on a regular basis on $40K with not even 5 free minutes to play my tiles on Scrabulous is that you begin to not feel hunger.  Luckily we had some King Cake today at the office in anticipation of Mardi Gras, and a slice of that and 6 cups of coffee successfully got me through the entire day.  I’m already looking forward to having some more King Cake next Tuesday, since I’m on the office Mardi Gras Party Planning Committee (MGPPC) – I’m of course in charge of food – and suggested we budget for 4-5 King Cakes as well as hurricanes and hand grenades for all.  Just look how delicious this looks:

King Cake

Ideally I’d be in NOLA this weekend, but since I’m poor and have no money, the next best thing is stuffing my face with free KC and eating baby jesus.

Speaking of stufing my face with baby jesus:

http://bacontoday.com/bacon-brownies/

Bacon Brownies

Speaking of baby jesus… JOHN LOCKE.

S keeps me alive every weekend by feeding me endless amounts of delicious greasy food.  This weekend it was quesadillas, fajitas and like 23847238972 tortillas.  Luckily I ate so much last night that I wasn’t hungry until 9pm tonight.  Luckily at 9pm tonight, I discovered some great deals that would keep me alive when S wouldn’t, from NYC Daily Deals, courtesy of SM.

MONDAY: $1 Beers @ Wicked Willy’s

TUESDAY: $1 Tacos @ Hop Devil Grill

WEDNESDAY: 10 Cent Wings @ Croxley Ales

THURSDAY: $1 Beers @ Singas

FRIDAY: Open Bar At Crash Mansion

SATURDAY: 20 Cent Brunch @ Casa Havana

SUNDAY: Free Hot Dogs @ Rudy’s