This past weekend was my puta J’s wedding in Dallas, which meant free food, free booze, free dudes. I got so stuffed this weekend that I thought I’d be full for an entire week, but it’s had the opposite effect on me where it actually stretched out my stomach so I’ve been ravenous for the past 48 hours. Dammit.
For me the poverexic-friendly week actually began last Wednesday when I stayed at my parents’ house in my not-so-beloved hometown. I’m not really sure if my parents noticed my poverexia or what, but my mom had completely changed from her old “That why you a large Asian, because you EAT EAT EAT!!!!” don’t-give-our-daughter-any-more-food Asian mother to a new Jewish mother-esque “You want this??!? What else you want to eat?!?! What else you want to buy at grocery store?!??! This a good Japanese snack.” Anyway, between Wed Thai curry lunch, Wed Japanese grocery snacks and cakes, Wed sushi dinner with the fam, Wed cupcake dessert from my sister, Thurs homemade lunch, Thurs steak dinner, and Thurs drinks with J and D, I literally thought I wasn’t going to fit into my bridesmaid dress by Saturday.
Anyway, my puta J’s wedding festivities started on Friday with the bridesmaid luncheon at Maudee’s on Lovers Lane, where I had scones and clotted cream and jam with about 10 cups of tea and this:
Maudee's brunch
Tuna salad, tomato soup and fruit salad, finishing it off with peach cobbler with Blue Bell ice cream — Texas’ finest ice cream and considered the best in the country because it contains about an entire cowload more of butter and sugar than ice cream made in other normal states in the U.S.
Peach Cobbler
Next was our arrival at the Four Seasons to get ready for the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. We were super excited to spend the weekend at this incredible resort, but unfortunately the Four Seasons in Dallas is now severely understaffed and service was the worst piece of crap I’d ever encountered in my entire life. I literally had people servicing me better at a hostel in the middle of nowhere in Uruguay.
Of course this was unacceptable in my eyes and I genuinely believe people who can’t do their job right shouldn’t deserve to live, so I had a nice little chat with the manager at the Four Seasons and kindly but firmly negotiated a nice cart of this for free to be delivered to our room to make up for their lack of service:
Free wine, cheese, chocolate covered strawberries
To be honest, I thought we deserved more than 2 bottles of wine for 8 girls, so I called back the next day while we were getting ready for the wedding and negotiated 2 additional bottles of wine.
The wedding rehearsal went well and the groomsmen were nice, and on we go to the rehearsal dinner at Via Real for Tex Mex, or in my case, more steak. These appetizers were good (below) but the chips and guac/salsa were a bit off with the salsa kinda tasting like Prego sauce and the guac tasting like salmonella-infused egg. I of course still finished off about 2 full baskets of chips and 3 bowls each of salsa and guac regardless of the odd taste because it was still free food.
Via Real appetizers
For the entree we got about 8 different options, but why would I go for anything other than the filet mignon that came with grilled shrimp, mashed potatoes and vegetables. I overheard someone at the other table talk about getting the shrimp entree, and I was just like what an idiot, why on earth would you get the shrimp entree if the steak entree comes with shrimp. Some people just don’t know how to order right.
Filet Mignon
The filet and shrimp were absolutely delicious, but what really impressed me about this restaurant were the bottomless margaritas. Now the service at the Four Seasons was crap, but the service at Via Real was INCREDIBLE!!! I literally never went 5 minutes without a kind waiter leaning over and refilling my margarita glass. I loved these people. We made such great friends with the waiters. And the margaritas were literally the most delicious things I’d ever tasted. I must have had 10+ glasses, and I woke up the next morning literally feeling like a million bucks. It was like I had the opposite of a hangover. 10 of these margaritas and you’ll be cured of anything!!! It was a Christmas miracle!!! They were so delicious. Oh yeah, and the dessert was delish too.
Flan
The after-party was at the Four Seasons bar where we got vouchers that were apparently for happy hour priced drinks but instead we convinced the bar manager that they were supposed to be for free drinks, so that worked out great.
The next day was wedding day and I woke up feeling like a million bucks only to find out that I had apparently missed a free brunch of bagel and lox and then immediately wanted to kill someone. Way to kill my amazing margarita anti-hangover. Anyway, I didn’t have time to think about food — it was hair, makeup, dress time and then the ceremony, which was beautiful and Jewish with a really pretty huppah.
Right after the ceremony was cocktail hour, and after that morning’s enraging incident with the lox, I was determined to get first pick on the sushi boat that I knew was going to make an appearance at the cocktail hour. As soon as I made my exit out the ceremony hall with my groomsman, I immediately started running around the cocktail room frantically in search of the sushi boats. I didn’t immediately find it and I was also distracted by all the other hors d’oeuvres and trays of drinks that were running into me – like cocktail shrimp shooters, salmon squares, tamales, crabcakes, and really really good signature pomegranate mojitos. And then, I see a line, and then a light, and Jew angels singing. IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SUSHI BOAT EVER!!!!!!!!!!! There was a line but the great thing about weddings is that everyone respects the wedding party and understands that we are first for everything, so I was able to join into the front of the line, no question, and got myself a plateful of every kind of sushi there was on the boats.
The dinner that followed was incredible too, and that’s where I got my third consecutive steak with mashed potato pie and asparagus that made my pee smell later in the night when I kept pissing in the hotel pool after we all jumped in with our bridesmaid dresses.
Filet Mignon
Dessert was of course the wedding cake, which was 4 layers of red velvet, strawberries and cream, pink champagne, and cheesecake mousse.
Puta Cake
This was all accompanied by Johnnie Walker on the rocks all night long since apparently the signature mojitos were only for the cocktail hour. That made the hora super fun and dizzy and the party was over before I knew it. The rest of the night was then spent in the hotel pool in our bridesmaid dresses and before I knew it I was the only bridesmaid left with a pool full of the groom’s friends. The following morning I did not feel like a million bucks, but there was a free brunch to look forward to even though apparently I missed out on the lox YET AGAIN. These Jews were so quick to get to the lox. So I had tuna salad instead on my bagel with fresh fruit and blintzes.
Post-wedding brunch
What a wonderfully purple and poverexic-friendly weekend. Congratulations Mrs. Puta Potato!
Poverexic in NYC 