The past few weekends have been overwhelmingly eventful with all the holiday shit going on.
Last Friday, J’s twin sisters M&M were in town visiting the Big Apple for the first time in their lives. I was excited they were in town and wanted to show them a fun time in NYC. The night had gotten off to a rocky start earlier when roommates and I went to Hane for 2 for 1 drinks, and roommate K blacked out by 10pm and started screaming to random people that I was the devil incarnate (not far from the truth — I do lack a heart, although this all came out of nowhere). In order to avoid conflict I broke off from the roommate crowd with SP to go to this hole in the wall/speakeasy next to Niagara on 7th and A called Lovers of Today, where I invited M&M to join us. Apparently this was M&M’s lucky weekend to visit NYC because 2 seconds later, we run into Kristen Wiig and Aziz Ansari at the bar WHAAAAAA! I try to keep my cool and casually approach them, tap them on their shoulder, and tell them “I love your work,” followed by “Tom Haverford and Ron Swanson are the 2 best characters on Parks & Recreation.” Kristen Wiig smiles and thanks me, while Aziz Ansari asks me if I’ve seen Steven Seagal around in the bar since he’s supposed to meet up with him. I told him no. One of the better celeb sightings/interactions I’ve had in my life. Kristen Wiig was even tinier and much shorter than she looks on TV, and Tom Haverfor was… well, he’s a small Indian.
Then Saturday was the annual Santacon, the one day out of the year where all young NYCers dress up like slutty Santas or dreidels and bar hop around all of Manhattan. I of course partake every year since I partake in anything having to do with an all day drink fest. F and G host the 8am pregame every year right before the start of Santacon, and this is the timely invitation I received this year:
Big news: Next Saturday, Hurricane Claus will directly hit the NYC metro area. Preparing for Santas flooding the streets is not a trivial matter. Over the past years, Hurricane Claus has been picking up remarkable speed and experts believe this year SantaCon will officially overrun the city. News reports call for extended showers of adult beverages combined with gale force holiday cheer spreading through the city beginning early morning on through the evening. Head to the store now to stock up on milk and cookies before the shelves are cleared and the Santas get the best of you. Bloomberg is yet to post the evacuation zones but I’m fairly certain my apartment is in the clear.
For those of you brave enough to ride out the storm, I encourage you to join me beforehand to prepare for one of the best days of the year. We’ll have a tasty breakfast sammich, a delicious beverage or two, maybe dance to some Mariah Carey, then head out into the fray. While you’re definitely going to make new friends during the day, you’re better off heading out actually with friends so do the smart thing and join the Santamob before taking on Hurricane Claus head first.
After pregaming for about 4 hours at F/G’s place on free mimosas, beer, a can full of alcohol infused whipped cream, and delicious breakfast sausage-and-muenster sandwiches, I braved Hurricane Claus… except this year one of the first stops was South Street Seaport, so I lost my entire crowd within seconds. Before I knew it, it was just me, M and SP drinking by ourselves and making new weird friends, until we found our friends hours later. After drinking for an entire day, we moved on to S’s second annual 4loko party, where there was some aggressive dancing all night long and some aggressive puking happening in the elevator post-party by B.
Finally, this past weekend was M & W’s holiday daytime party, or more properly called Jesus’s (89th) birthday. Why 89? Because according to Melissa Gorga of Real Housewives of New Jersey: “How old is Jesus? He is 89 years old.” This was going to be the birthday party of the century. M was in charge of baking all the sweets, while W was in charge of cooking all the savories. I attempted to help them out in the kitchen with the hors d’oeuvres, but my lack of culinary skills led me to being asked to just do what I do best — prepare the booze. So I heated up the spiked apple cider instead, and let me just say, spiking apple cider with Jack Daniels Honey = best holiday invention discovered by woman.
Here’s everything that M&W handcrafted for Christ’s birthday — I consumed all of it like bread and wine:
Savories
More Savories
Sweets
And the ultimate dessert — crown of thorns cake, red velvet to symbolize Body and Blood of Jesus Christ our Savior, with chocolate covered pretzels, hand-adorned by M:
Crown of Thorns
All the food was incred and I had a totally foodgasm. Joy to the world, the Lord has cum! Happy Hanukkah everyone.
Poverexic in NYC 