February 6, 2012

6 Feb

ISTANBUL — The 360 Experience (continued)

Lesson #2:  Turkish bath houses are not spas.

On New Year’s Eve, M had the brilliant idea of spending a lovely, relaxing spa day at famous Turkish bath house Cagaloglu to pamper ourselves before NYE night out.  We were really excited for spa day, and we all purchased the full service package including exfoliation and massage.

So, we walk into the Turkish bath house in our tiny towels, and we walk into this:

Turkish Bath House

It was literally the gayest thing I had ever seen.

In the female zone the masseuses were all old Turkish women with triple D-cup saggy tits, and so were all the female customers.  It was super awk.  One look at this uncomfortably erotic situation and M immediately went back upstairs to change into her swimsuit.  W didn’t bring a swimsuit, but she very aggressively insisted she keep her bra and underwear on, despite the masseuse’s attempt to rape her undergarments off.  I, on the other hand, with my overly unnatural sense of comfort and joy with nudity, decided to embrace this opportunity to get a full tit scrub like I’d never gotten before (or rather, like I’d never gotten since the first year I moved to NYC and got seriously tat slapped by some dude who very wrongfully thought he was pleasing my boobs).

The exfoliation treatment was an interesting one.  It wasn’t so much a treatment as the old Turkish lady taking a rough cloth and seriously rubbing my entire body down.  Even though it was supposed to be a full body exfoliation, she sure did seem to be concentrating hard on my chest area and neglecting other areas that needed some dead skin cell sloughing …

… like the BOTTOMS OF MY FEET you sick fucks.

After she rubbed off the entire top layer of my entire body, she moved on to the “massage,” which was not so much a massage as a rubbing of my body with lukewarm soap water.  Apparently massage oil doesn’t exist in this country.  So that was awk too, and once again my flat chest got significantly more attention than the rest of my body did.  The soap water dried out my skin so badly that I had to completely lube up post-spa to bring the moisture back into my body.

I’m not sure this experience was the “spa day” we were looking for, but we sure were sparkling clean and raw.

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