July 7, 2013

7 Jul

More than 3 months later, I have finally overcome my immense laziness and have decided to pick my computer back up to blog about C’s wedding from back in March 2013.  I’ve been meaning to blog about this for the past 3 months, but there’s something about spring/summer in NYC that makes me not want to do anything during my down time other than 1) drink, 2) sleep, 3) watch NCIS marathon — in that order.  But enough with excuses.

C is one of my good friends from growing up in Dallas, and she married a guy from Mexico, so this wedding was truly a Tex-Mex wedding — and was so amaze that I almost feel like Stefon from SNL in reviewing this event:

“This year’s hottest wedding venue is RANCH.  This wedding had everything — Texas BBQ, s’mores, photo booth, taco truck, Elvis impersonator, Mexican jumping beans…”

“Stefon, what are Mexican jumping beans?”

“They’re drunk, short little Mexicans jumping around trying to get their bean into every girl on the dance floor.”

Really though, this wedding was everything I expected out of a Texas wedding and more.  This certainly wasn’t the first wedding I attended in Texas, but it was the first one that really embraced Texas culture and actively encouraged cowboy boots/hat attire (although unfortunately, being a horrible Texan, I owned no such thing).

The wedding already started off on an amazing foot when upon arriving to the hotel, I was gifted with the absolute best welcome bag I’ve received out of all the weddings I’ve attended to date, complete with necessities like Advil, a bottle opener, Dr. Pepper in a bottle, and Shiner Bock to welcome you to Texas.

Welcome Bags

Welcome Bags

After immediately enjoying the Shiner, the first adventure after that was getting from the hotel to the Friday night welcome dinner event, which was hosted at C’s aunt’s ranch.  And it was literally on a ranch… in the middle of nowhere… a 45-minute shuttle ride away from the hotel.  As we drove past tumbleweeds and haystacks to the sound of good ole country music, I overheard all the non-Texans on the shuttle mumble in appall, “Where the FUCK are we.”

The minute we got there, I could smell the incredible BBQ, and I hated admitting that I actually loved something about Texas.  But how could you not love this:

Texas BBQ

Texas BBQ

Texas BBQ

Texas BBQ

The BBQ was so popular that the food went in about six minutes.  But there was more!  C had gotten jar pies for dessert — mini pecan, cherry and apple pies.  I have this weird obsession with mason jars, which might be the only other thing that is “Southern” about me — I love drinks that come in mason jars, and I had tried jar cakes before but never jar pies.  I find very few things in life to be “cute,” but I have to say this one was an exception #cutism

Jar Pies

Jar Pies

The big wedding the next day was at the Alamo — no really, look:

Alamo

Alamo

The ceremony was a beautiful one filled with some awkward but funny-in-retrospect moments like the entire groom’s side of the guests standing up for the entire wedding procession (I guess that’s what you do in Mexico) while the bride’s side all freaked out and started screaming at the Mexicans to sit down and that it was blasphemous to stand before the bride had arrived… while others started yelling FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!  Ah, cultural differences…

So there was that, and the minor forgotten detail to actually bring the wedding bands to the ceremony (#oops), so one of the ushers had to literally run up the hill back up to the house to dig around for the lost rings while in the interim the officiant awkwardly lent her wedding ring to the groom as a placeholder.  Only C+A could have made light of this situation.  I think other brides would have literally broken down in tears and slit their wrists over that.

After a blurry cocktail hour filled with one too many specialty cocktails, it was time for the big dinner.  And I mean BIG.  Here’s what I had:

Salmon Wellington

Salmon Wellington

Roast Beef

Roast Beef

I loooooooove salmon wellington, so you can imagine my excitement when I get a plate of eight of them, followed by a heaping plate of roast beef.  It was literally my dream come true.  It was technically family style, but four girls and their dates certainly could not finish all this, which of course meant more for me.

After consuming 4 lbs of meat, I was tempted to skip out on dessert, but when I went outside, I was greeted with the most delightful s’mores station by the fire pit — I couldn’t resist.  Every hour there was something new at this wedding, which I got such a kick out of — first the s’mores, then a professional photo booth, then big foam party hats, then an Elvis impersonator who came out of nowhere, then finally a taco truck (which I’ll get to later).  It was incred.

What was even more incred was that since this was a Mexican wedding, there was none of this “party ends at 10pm” shit.  The bride was serious about her party and she made it known.  Apparently during the planning process, her wedding planner had advised no shots at the wedding because it’s “not classy” — to which C very nicely told her to go fuck herself, and that “UM, this is a MEXICAN wedding — there WILL be tequila shots.”  And boy, was there.

Around midnight, the party was still going strong, made stronger by the late appearance of a huge group of 20 Mexicans who were all the groom’s friends from home who had driven 12 hours (all stuffed in the back of a pickup truck, obvs) to arrive in time to still enjoy several hours of hardcore wedding partying.  When those Mexicans arrived, the tequila shots flowed like water.  And to perpetuate stereotypes even more, every single one of them started skeezily grinding up against every girl on the dance floor — which I secretly loved, minus the AIDS.

As I was getting happily gang banged on the dance floor to Cotton Eyed Joe mixed with some familiar Mexican tunes, C comes up to me and asks, “Are you blackout?!?!”  I shook my head no (kinda true), to which she grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me in return, yelling “I WANT YOU TO GET BLACKOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  Best. Bride. Ever.  Yes ma’am!!!!  I saluted back and immediately ran to the bar for more tequila shots with the Mexican boys.

Next thing I know, I was exhausted on the dance floor but overheard someone shouting, “The taco truck is here!”  WHAT. TACO. TRUCK. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  I pushed every child in my way out of my way and made my way outside to check out this miracle, and there it was: http://www.chilantrobbq.com/

A Korean Mexican fusion taco truck!!!!!  I literally wet myself in my dress.  My only regret is that I was so blackout I forgot to take a picture of this best part of the night.  I don’t have any of my own pictures, but I will forever remember the taste of those orgasmic kimchi fries and tacos — see here from the website:

The party went until 3am, but I remember very little after the taco truck other than dancing my heart out the entire night on the dance floor.  I vaguely remember passing out in the shuttle back, then being woken up by K shaking me once we arrived to the hotel.  Apparently J, who was staying in the hotel room directly across from me, heard a huge THUD outside her door around 4am, which she speculated was me face planting in the hallway.

The next morning was a rough one, but sausage and gravy always help:

Breakfast Buffet

Breakfast Buffet

Breakfast Buffet

Breakfast Buffet

An awesome weekend all around.  Who knew Texas Hill Country could be so fun?  C really knew had to throw one hell of a party.  Lucky for me, I have another Hill Country wedding coming up in August.  As Stefon would say, this year’s hottest wedding venue really is RANCH.

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