This really depressing email came through to all-staff this morning:
SUBJECT: Good news: Lots of clients coming in today. Bad news: their breakfast and lunch will be VERY tempting
Hi.
We have a ton of clients in the office today. It is GREAT that we’re so busy. BUT, I’d really appreciate if you could resist nibbling at their breakfasts and lunches, even the lunch that will be set up in the Café. That way, they’ll be happy and productive. And, if you are REALLY hungry, I’ll buy you some chocolate-covered almonds or some peanut M&M’s, at least until I run out of quarters… 😉
Best,
T
WTF. YEAH RIGHT. WINKY SMILE EMOTICON MY ASS. AS IF A HANDFUL OF M&M’S CAN REALLY REPLACE THE THOUGHT OF AN ENTIRE BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER. I was so upset by this.
HOWEVER!!!!!!!! As some Asian once said, patience is a virtue. Several hours later, A MUCH HAPPIER ALL-STAFF EMAIL:
There is plenty of left over food in the Cafe… help yourselves.
GASSSSSPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately run over and the only word I can think of is OVERWHELMING. OVERWHELMING WITH JOY. It was absolutely incred. I got so excited that I took an entire cup of pasta with mushrooms and tomato, then went back for 2 more cupfuls; also filled a plate with beef tenderloin, chicken parmesan, grilled vegetables, salad, roasted potatoes, fruit and bread and brought that back to my desk; then went back and took another plate and filled it with a chicken sandwich, two different kinds of pesto pasta and salad with walnuts, blue cheese crumbles, grapes and craisins and wrapped the plate in foil and hid it in the fridge with my name clearly written on it. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY INCRED.
I got so excited and I ate so much that I literally got myself ill. My stomach expanded so far that I looked like I was 6 months pregnant. This happens to me when I go days without eating anything substantial (ie, when there’s no free food anywhere to be found) and then I suddenly eat like Thanksgiving. My stomach doesn’t know what to do with itself and gets really confused because it’s like FOOD WHAT, WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And it literally doesn’t know how to break it down. Think of a Somalian child (kinda, not really). It was sick. And not in the good way. (But really it was in the good way because I am so full.)
Poverexic in NYC 