Poverexic in NYC

HAPPY FAT TUESDAY!!!!! One of my fav all time holidays — Mardi Gras, St. Paddy’s and Purim (Haman BOOOOO)

Today was great because I was voted on to the office Mardi Gras Party Planning Committee (MGPPC), which meant I got to pick out all the food for the party, i.e., for myself — e.g., “Hey, I really think we should get a few more King Cakes just in case we run out”; “Don’t you think everyone would really appreciate an assortment of cheese, fruit, veggie and cookie platters, along with maybe some bags of popcorn and pretzels, and some chips and salsa and guac?”; “I would recommend a few additional bottles of dark rum for the Hurricanes…”

So all of the above is what we ended up ordering, along with a few other things I threw in last-minute.

I was SO excited for the King Cakes, but then when I opened up the boxes I literally yelled WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS (and then took it back because I remembered I was right near our CEO).  The “King Cakes” that we had gotten from this “really good” bakery in Soho apparently didn’t know what the fuck King Cakes actually were.  I actually think this may be a New York thing.  I would say 9.5/10 of my East Coast friends did not know what King Cake, beignets, hurricanes or hand grenades were.  Blasphemy.

Anyway, these faux King Cakes seriously just looked like a huge round thing of baklava.  And that is literally what they were.  I mean…

King Cake??? WRONG!!!

And to top it off, I thought I found a BJ inside (baby jesus), but when I took a closer look, it was the virgin mary.  I mean, really???

baby jesus??? NOPE!!!

What is wrong with these people?!?!?!?!

I was so disappointed in NYC’s concept of “King Cake” that I decided to show them what it was all about by making my incredible hurricanes, which were a huge hit — gee, my former bartending skills sure did pay off!  The recipe?  Simple — lots of free ingredients, 3 cups of deliciousness, 1 cup of rage (for office use only), and priceless amounts of poverexic love.

Let me just say that foreigners completely dominated the Oscars last night.  The viewing was held at S’s apt as usual, but this time it was I who provided the meal for a change.  And when I provide the meal it of course means that it’s a bucket of KFC original recipe with potato wedges and mashed potatoes.  S is the only person who will  split a KFC bucket with me since I guess he is the only other person who doesn’t get grossed out by it — oh, and Carrie Bradshaw.

Anyway, I will spend $20 on a bucket of KFC if S will eat it, since he always feeds me and I owe him a million meals, but I can only justify spending that much money on food if he will eat it; I would never spend $20 on a meal on myself.  So imagine my rage when S refuses to eat it at first and threatens to order something else.  I threw a complete fit, screaming YOU BETTER FUCKING EAT THAT CHICKEN, YOU BETTER FUCKING FINISH THOSE THIGHS BECAUSE I BOUGHT THIS ENTIRE BUCKET FOR YOU.  I’m pretty sure everyone else in the room thought I was psycho, but really I’m just poverexic.

And then as if that weren’t enough, S nearly throws out a half-eaten pint of chocolate Haagen Daz, and I yell hysterically as he’s putting it in the trash can, ARE YOU FUCKING THROWING THAT AWAY!?!??!? ARE YOU FUCKING THROWING OUT AN ENTIRE PINT OF HAAGEN DAZ?!?!?!  THAT CAN FEED ME FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was in a room full of bankers, none of whom appreciate the value of food, and that combined with the fact that Penelope “I can’t-speak-English-worth-shit” Cruz won best supporting actress made me so pissed that I just took a random danish that I found on S’s living room table and stuffed it in my purse.

Anyway, the point of that story was that I now have enough food to last me through the rest of the week.

Well yesterday turned into a lovely night when I became a victim of an attempted mugging.

I left the apt a little past midnight to meet M et al at Bro J’s, and I’m walking down 14th at my usual speedy pace when I hear someone running up behind me.  I turn around and this guy is just jogging at a comfortable pace, then suddenly grabs my clutch and tries to steal it away.  I am like WTF and hold on to it with all my might and yell WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and he runs off mumbling “Aw man…!”

“Aw man”??? like really??? You just fucking tried to mug me you fucking cunt.  Somehow I always get into these not-so-serious mugging situations, like when I was held up at gun point in NOLA a few years back, and then in retrospect realized that it may or may not have been a toy pistol.

Anyway, thank god he didn’t actually succeed in mugging me since I had like $120 on me, which is my biweekly cash flow after monthly expenses.  I was so thankful that I decided to spend the rest of my cash on drinks and cabs that night to avoid some other mugger taking it away from me.  Woke up this morning and realized I spent $50+ just in cabs since I went from PCVST to UES back down to LES back up to UES then back down to PCVST, and another $40+ on vodka sodas.  At least A helped my financial situation by buying me beer and late night pizza after taking pity on my near-mugging situation.  Thanks A.

Accounting is my #1 competitor.  Seriously, I don’t know what their deal is, but they are nearly just as good as I am at sniffing out free food in the office.  I’m at an advantage because my desk is right next to the kitchen, so I can hear whenever a food cart rolls in, but what is accounting’s deal!??!?!  Why are they so good at hunting down food?!?!?!  Because of them today I could only snag half a sandwich and a cookie!!!!!!!!  They get to all the free food first, they’re never really working, and they get to leave at 5pm.  How did they end up with such an easy life while poor 25-year-old little girl over here is starving and working for what calculates out to about $7/hour?!?!?!

10: 16 pm

Starving but no food available so going to watch Top Chef instead.

10:24 pm

Well, the good thing about working 13+ hours straight on a regular basis on $40K with not even 5 free minutes to play my tiles on Scrabulous is that you begin to not feel hunger.  Luckily we had some King Cake today at the office in anticipation of Mardi Gras, and a slice of that and 6 cups of coffee successfully got me through the entire day.  I’m already looking forward to having some more King Cake next Tuesday, since I’m on the office Mardi Gras Party Planning Committee (MGPPC) – I’m of course in charge of food – and suggested we budget for 4-5 King Cakes as well as hurricanes and hand grenades for all.  Just look how delicious this looks:

King Cake

Ideally I’d be in NOLA this weekend, but since I’m poor and have no money, the next best thing is stuffing my face with free KC and eating baby jesus.

Speaking of stufing my face with baby jesus:

http://bacontoday.com/bacon-brownies/

Bacon Brownies

Speaking of baby jesus… JOHN LOCKE.

S keeps me alive every weekend by feeding me endless amounts of delicious greasy food.  This weekend it was quesadillas, fajitas and like 23847238972 tortillas.  Luckily I ate so much last night that I wasn’t hungry until 9pm tonight.  Luckily at 9pm tonight, I discovered some great deals that would keep me alive when S wouldn’t, from NYC Daily Deals, courtesy of SM.

MONDAY: $1 Beers @ Wicked Willy’s

TUESDAY: $1 Tacos @ Hop Devil Grill

WEDNESDAY: 10 Cent Wings @ Croxley Ales

THURSDAY: $1 Beers @ Singas

FRIDAY: Open Bar At Crash Mansion

SATURDAY: 20 Cent Brunch @ Casa Havana

SUNDAY: Free Hot Dogs @ Rudy’s

11:29 am

Roommate L just discovered the perfect gadget for me:

http://i.gizmodo.com/5154256/tough-times-belt-puncher-try-the-recession-diet

Tough Times Belt Puncher

It takes your net income and estimated cost of living and calculates where the next hole in the belt will be punched — perfect for the poverexic girl, or boy.

3:39 pm

I’ve re-watched this week’s episode of 30 Rock about 5 times this weekend, and it has given me the most intense cravings for an Oreo McFlurry.  So I finally bought myself one, and it was incred, but can I just say that McFlurrys are now like half the size that they used to be in the 1990s?!?!?!  As much as I love Mickey D’s, my biggest complaint against them is their ridiculously small portion sizes that are unfair to the nth degree.  This whole “health conscious America” movement thing is complete bullshit and poverexia’s greatest enemy.

Anyway, I have to disagree with Salma Hayek and say that I would have definitely preferred Tahitian-vanilla-bean ice cream in a pool of cognac, drizzled in the world’s most expensive chocolate (Amedei Porcelana), covered with shaved white, black, and clear truffles, and topped with edible 25-karat gold leaf over that McFlurry that I finished in like 3 bites.  The day I can afford the Lovers’ Delight will be the day I know I’ve really made it in life.

Had the greatest queso ever made by human yesterday in celebration of V-Day: Velveeta ultimate queso dip with ground beef and deliciousness made by LP, ingredients bought by CS, supplemented by guac from MC. Good thing I hadn’t eaten anything all day because I ate the entire pot of queso which made up for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The only sour part of the day was getting wasted off Bud Light Lime, which confused me all afternoon because I kept thinking it was Corona, when it was really just Bud Light with a hint of lime. Tostitos can pull that off but BL really can’t. There’s just no reason why BL should try to be Corona when they are two different races.

5:07 pm

OMG BK BURGER SHOTS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4nOq1QTrxo

BK Burger Shots

Between these Burger Shots and the Anger Whopper, Burger King may just be my new fav fast food king.

Happy almost bang day! I’ve just discovered man’s greatest invention — behold:

Chocolate Covered Bacon

12:25 pm

Just received this email that went out to all staff:

Hello Staff,

I know it’s quite tempting to help ourselves to all the free food and product giveaways, but let’s be sure things are up for grabs before helping ourselves.  Our open space is shared and it’s important for us to be considerate.

If an e-mail extending the offering of food or product giveaways has not been sent, please understand the food and products are set aside for a specific meeting or project and not available to staff.

Thank you in advance.

Within 30 seconds of the email being sent, 4 of my coworkers forwarded it to me being like “What’d you take this time.”  You know what, on the flip side, if it’s not up for grabs, you should label it!!!

3:48 pm

So, I’ve now had 7 bananas in the past 24 hours.  Now I thought, there must be some sort of potassium overload associated with this — so I asked my soon-to-be-doctor friend.  The conversation was not so promising.