Poverexic in NYC

Halloween is pretty much my worst nightmare.  Kids ringing your doorbell every 2 seconds yelling and screaming and asking for candy.  YEAH??! YOU WANT CANDY?!?!??! HOW ABOUT YOU GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DOOR AND GO FUCK YOURSELF.  As Sandy from Glee would say: Kids on Halloween?!??!?!  KILL YOURSELF!!!  If I had enough money to buy bags of candy for a bunch of kids I don’t even know, I’d buy myself food to eat.

To make matters worse, WE HAD TO MOVE ON HALLOWEEN.  That’s right.  WE MOVED ON 10/31.  And it gets worse.  The building we were moving into WAS HAVING A HUGE HAUNTED HOUSE PARTY FOR THE CHILDREN LIVING IN THE APARTMENT COMPLEX AND THERE WERE HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF CHILDREN BLOCKING THE ENTRANCE AND ELEVATORS.  OMG.  Worst nightmare X 10000000.  Seriously, KILL YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!  I literally knocked over about 12 kids trying to make it to the elevator with all my shit with angry parents yelling after me that “pushing wasn’t nice” and me yelling back at them that they should have had an abortion.

Anyway, good news after we had finally moved in was that we were still living in Stuyvesant Town, so we felt pretty good about Tasty King still delivering to our location.  Bad news was that we were no longer right on the street and we’re on Stuyvesant Oval, in the heart of the maze.  Even as a Stuy Town resident myself, once you leave the main streets you’ve completely lost me.  Imagine how confused those delivery boys would be trying to find our new apartment to deliver our lunch specials.  THIS PRACE IMPOSSIBOOOO TO FINDDDD, SO COMPRICATEDDDDD!!!!!!  This was of great concern to us.

We decided to put them to the test as soon as we finished moving on Saturday night at 9pm (YES 9PM) when we immediately placed our orders.  In the spirit of new apartment, I decided to try new order, so I got some boneless spare ribs with pork fried rice and a shrimp roll deviating from my usual chicken/beef and broccoli with white rice.

The usual 10 minutes of normal delivery time passed, and still no delivery boy ringing our doorbell — ONLY KIDS IN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.  Seriously, kill yourself.  Every single fucking time the doorbell would ring, we thought it was Tasty and it was just A BUNCH OF KIDS.  I was disgusted.  And we couldn’t even NOT answer the door because what if it was Tasty?!?!??!  So we kept answering the door, ring after ring after ring hoping it was our food when every single time it was kids asking us for food.  YEAH RIGHT GIVE YOU MY CANDY MY ASS.

20 minutes passed.  Still nothing.  We started to get very, very nervous that Tasty was no longer being faithful to us because we betrayed them by moving farther from their location.  We gave them a quick call to check up on the status of the order.  “Hi, we’re just calling about the order we placed about 20 minutes ago—” “NOT READY YET.”

WHAT?!??!?!??!? NOT READY YET?!?!?!??!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING, WHAT, EVERYONE IS ORDERING CHINESE ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT AND BACKING UP THE ORDERS!??!?!??!? WTF IS GOING ON!??!?!???!!

We decided we shouldn’t get angry with our friends so decided to be patient and wait a few more minutes.  20 more minutes passed and still nothing.  OMG WHAT IS GOING ON we seriously wanted to cry WE KNEW THEY WOULD GET LOST TRYING TO FIND OUT NEW APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😦  We called again and apparently they were “on their way” but it was still another 10 minutes before the doorbell we were waiting for finally rang.

We were glad to finally have our food, but this delivery really raised some serious concerns.  Was Tasty retaliating?  Was this new location too complicated for them?  Would they take 45 minutes to deliver our order every single weekend we order their lunch specials?  Would they no longer give us free fortune cookies?  All these questions raced through my head.

Only time will tell.  To clear my head, I changed into my Sugar Babies costume and went out to scrounge some candy at parties for dessert.

Halloween is pretty bad news (health-wise) for a poverexic like me.  Mainly because I can foresee myself eating purely candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner for at least a week straight.  I remember I used to do this when I was 5, but that was by choice.  This time it’s not really my choice if that’s the only free food left in my stash for the next week.

It already began today when I started stealing handfuls of candy to eat for brunch.  Trick or treating wasn’t supposed to start at our office until 3pm, so I made sure to sneakily go around and make the first rounds at 2:45pm before anyone else could pick out the best ones.  And I found the best one!!!  A punch bowl full of ‘eyeballs’ made of lychees with a grape in the middle.  DERICIOUS.  And fruitfully healthy!

The official party was at 4pm where I grabbed some chips and two more handfuls candy and a cupcake, and saved the candy for breakfast/lunch/dinner tomorrow.  Unfortunately I couldn’t enter the costume party for a chance to win the $50 Starbucks gift certificate because our clients were here for a meeting today and I didn’t think dressing like a slut would be such a great idea.  So instead I just dressed up like a PR professional whose company actually pays her money.

My last round was right before I left the office when I spotted 5 huge bags of candy hidden behind the receptionist’s desk (that sneaky son of a bitch).  So I dug my hands right in there and swiftly grabbed 3 handfuls and tried to stuff them into my bag as quickly as possible.  But apparently I wasn’t quick enough because as I was doing so, coworker T walked by, awkwardly noticed me stealing the candy and chucked, “Gotta get that suga high!” …… “Yeah!” I awkwardly said back and ran to the elevator.

A few weeks ago soon-to-be roommate M came up with a BRILLIANT idea: PIZZA CUPCAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGOMOGMOGMOMGOMGOMGOMOG GASSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPP HEART ATTACKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This was literally the most genius idea since juicy lucys and donut burgers.  This was Crumbs meets Patsy’s.  This was out of control.  Here is the life of our little PIZCAKES:

Pizza Filling

Pizza Topping

Babies in the Oven

PERFECTION

PIZCAKES

HOW ADORABLE ARE THEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Cupcakes to THE MAX.

Today was really great.  Our celebrity broker was in NYC this week from LA, so she came to our office to give a presentation.  I decided to go stop by the meeting room to say hi to her … OR, I stopped by for 10 minutes to grab 2 sandwiches, a bowl full of fruit, a huge chocolate chip cookie and a FIJI water and I was outta there to go do some more important work.

A few hours later, I was rushing to get a million things done before my doc appt when out comes another array of sandwiches and delicious looking artichoke salad.  I literally couldn’t afford to waste one minute because I was literally not going to finish all my work before my annual pap but I was really hungry and I just had this terrible feeling there would be no free food at the office tomorrow.  So I grabbed a sandwich, took an entire heaping plateful of artichoke salad, ran to the kitchen to take a few bites and immediately wrapped up the rest in foil for tomorrow’s lunch.  In my rush I nearly literally ran into coworker J in the kitchen, who saw the plateful of food I was hastily wrapping up and chuckled, “Good food day for you, huh.”  YUP YUP I yelled as I ran out of the kitchen, grabbed my purse, and ran to my appt.

On a related note, Halloween is just days away and I finally picked my costume after all that contemplating.  I decided sushi wasn’t slutty enough, so I’m going with this:

… which I believe will be slutty enough considering I’m pretty sure I have to go comm given all my thongs are too brightly colored for the see-through back.  It’s still food themed, so it’s really the perfect costume for me.

These past 4 days have probably been the most I’ve ever eaten for 4 consecutive days since I started leading my poverexic lifestyle.  My stomach is so happily big right now I don’t even want to abort it.  Since my Panamaniac is in town for the week, I naturally took her to New Ashiya last night for all you can eat all you can drink sushi and sake bombing = best place on earth.  Sake bombing is very much an American thing, and foreigners always take a very strong liking to this genius activity at first exposure.  This is like the time C and K came to Japan with me and then taught my entire extended family how to sake bomb, and all the men in my family for a split second decided to agree that Americans may possibly be smarter than the Japanese.

Sake Sake Sake BOMB

So my Panamaniac had her sake bomb v-card stolen yesterday and she enjoyed every minute of it.  More importantly, though, was the sushi array that never ceases to amaze me, even despite monthly visits to New Ashiya.

New Ashiya

Well the rest of the night following that didn’t turn out so well after I was continuously throwing up sushi and beer in my mouth.  It wasn’t full on ralphing though, it was like when you throw up a little in your mouth.  That got awkward.

Anyway I felt fine when I woke up this morning because I don’t get drunk at all when I eat, which is exactly why I usually don’t eat dinner on the weekends (or, ever).  I woke up lazily to a text from my puta J who suggested going to brunch.  Now I typically would absolutely refuse to leave my couch and TV on the weekends, but I’ve been feeling particularly ambitious these days, I think because of all the energy I’m getting from all the food that my body has unexpectedly been experiencing.  It’s amazing what food can do to the body other than make it fat.

So I met my puta J at my fav brunch spot, Dos Caminos, which has the most incred Mexican brunch deal that comes with the following:

Your Choice Of One Of The Following, Compliments Of Dos Caminos – Frozen Prickly Pear Or Frozen Traditional Margarita, Bloody Mary, Screwdriver, Mimosa, Champagne, Orange Or Grapefruit Juice And Coffee Or Tea

MMMMMMM DERICIOUSSSSSSS.  So I got my usual Dos Caminos Rancheros (ie, huevos rancheros) with a bloody mary and coffee.

Dos Caminos Rancheros

Not sure how happy my stomach will be starting tomorrow when I go back to eating scraps.

Yesterday, I threw out a bagel.

I know, I couldn’t believe it either.  I was so ashamed, so upset, so traumatized.  There was just TOO much food on Thursday and Friday.  I didn’t think that could physically be possible.  But there was just SO much food the last 2 days of the work week I was literally preggers like Quinn for 2 days straight.  I love when clients are here.

On both Thursday and Friday, coworker A brought me an entire huge ziploc bag (one of those freezer storage bags) full of potato chips in the mornings — apparently A’s boyfriend’s mom had bought her like 5 gigantic bags of chips from Costco and it disgusted her, so she would bring it all to me one day at a time.  On Thursday she brought me a bag and I ate it at 9:30am for breakfast with my usual coffee.  Coworker A told me that if I brought her back the ziploc bag, that she would bring me back another full bag the next day.  So I returned the lovely bag to her, and as promised, she came back on Friday with another full bag, which I yet again finished before 10am with my usual coffee for breakfast.  The thought did occur to me that an entire huge bag of chips probably isn’t the healthiest way to kick off the day.

On Friday there was JUST AS MUCH FOOD AT WORK as there was on Thursday.  It was unbelievable.  And I still had that plate of food that I had saved on Thursday because I was afraid there wouldn’t be any free food on Friday.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was completely overwhelmed.  I didn’t know what to do because I wanted to eat the new food, but at the same time I didn’t want to let Thursday’s leftovers go to waste.  So I went ahead and saved some of the new food for later, ate Thursday’s leftovers first (have to go in chronological order) and then later ate Friday’s new food.

I had so much food to choose from that the bagel I had stashed on Wednesday was really bottom of my list — alas, I let it sit on the backburner for too long and by the time I got to it, it was hard as rock.  I tried toasting it to soften it, but it was no use.  The bagel was dead.  It was so painful to throw it away, but it had to be done.  R.I.P. Mr. Bagel.

This really depressing email came through to all-staff this morning:

SUBJECT: Good news: Lots of clients coming in today. Bad news: their breakfast and lunch will be VERY tempting

Hi.

We have a ton of clients in the office today.  It is GREAT that we’re so busy.  BUT, I’d really appreciate if you could resist nibbling at their breakfasts and lunches, even the lunch that will be set up in the Café.  That way, they’ll be happy and productive.  And, if you are REALLY hungry, I’ll buy you some chocolate-covered almonds or some peanut M&M’s, at least until I run out of quarters… 😉

Best,
T

WTF.  YEAH RIGHT.  WINKY SMILE EMOTICON MY ASS.  AS IF A HANDFUL OF M&M’S CAN REALLY REPLACE THE THOUGHT OF AN ENTIRE BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER.  I was so upset by this.

HOWEVER!!!!!!!!  As some Asian once said, patience is a virtue.  Several hours later, A MUCH HAPPIER ALL-STAFF EMAIL:

There is plenty of left over food in the Cafe… help yourselves.

GASSSSSPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I immediately run over and the only word I can think of is OVERWHELMING.  OVERWHELMING WITH JOY.  It was absolutely incred.  I got so excited that I took an entire cup of pasta with mushrooms and tomato, then went back for 2 more cupfuls; also filled a plate with beef tenderloin, chicken parmesan, grilled vegetables, salad, roasted potatoes, fruit and bread and brought that back to my desk; then went back and took another plate and filled it with a chicken sandwich, two different kinds of pesto pasta and salad with walnuts, blue cheese crumbles, grapes and craisins and wrapped the plate in foil and hid it in the fridge with my name clearly written on it.  IT WAS ABSOLUTELY INCRED.

I got so excited and I ate so much that I literally got myself ill.  My stomach expanded so far that I looked like I was 6 months pregnant.  This happens to me when I go days without eating anything substantial (ie, when there’s no free food anywhere to be found) and then I suddenly eat like Thanksgiving.  My stomach doesn’t know what to do with itself and gets really confused because it’s like FOOD WHAT, WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  And it literally doesn’t know how to break it down.  Think of a Somalian child (kinda, not really).  It was sick.  And not in the good way.  (But really it was in the good way because I am so full.)

With Halloween quickly approaching, I have been brainstorming all these ideas like any other girl would.  Naturally, I’m contemplating different foods I can dress up as.  Three years ago I was a burrito, and I might do it again — here I was with my fav dirty martini extra dirty with extra olives from Grafton:

Burrito

This may be the most genius, cheapest costume I’ve ever come up with — it is literally just wrapping myself in aluminum foil.  As N pointed out, “it will be pretty funny when some dude rips that off you later in the night and then you have nothing to wear home the next day.”  YES.  Another great reason to reuse this costume.

Here’s another food idea — this is my nephew last Halloween:

Sushi Roll

And here was the rest of my family on Halloween:

Sushi Fam

I’m just kidding.  Neither of those photos are my family members.  Although I DO really like those costume ideas.

Here’s one last idea — this is roommate L and the lobster he cooked last weekend:

Baby Lobster

DERICIOUS ROBSTER.  I JUST WANT TO DIP IT IN BUTTER AND EAT IT.  WITH A SIDE OF RICE.

Other than getting laid, here’s my other main motivation for needing to come up with an incred costume — an all-staff email that came through today with a bunch of unnecessary details about a Halloween party AND THEN THIS:

Win some great prizes, including $50 Starbucks gift certificate for best costume and best cubicle decoration.

$50 STARBUCKS GIFT CERTIFICATE!!!!!!!! THINK HOW MANY SCONES I CAN BUY WITH THAT!!!!!!!!!  Probably only 5, but that should last me one week. M-O-T-I-V-A-T-E.

Well, my Panamaniac was supposed to come visit me today, so I hadn’t eaten all day (except for 4 cups of coffee and 2 leftover pears) in preparation for the huge welcome dinner we’d go out to eat.  At 4pm, however, I get a phone call from a 000-12-34-56 number which I immediately recognize as Panama.

“um, hola” I answer the phone.

“AMIGAAAAAAAAAA”

“where the f are you … why are you calling me from a Panamaniac number”

“I’M STILL IN PANAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

“what.”

“I MISSED MY FLIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT”

WHAT GODDAMMIT I DIDN’T EAT ALL DAY IN PREPARATION FOR YOUR ARRIVAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was upset my Panamaniac missed her flight, but more importantly, I was starving.  But by now it was close enough to the time that I was hoping to leave work (OR NOT) so I decided the best way to go about this was naturally to continue not eating.

At 7pm as soon as we get home, roommate K and I order Tasty King and for some reason they are like 15 minutes late.  We are both starving and about to cry and don’t understand why the food hasn’t come in the speedy 4 minutes that they usually take to deliver to our apartment 15 MINUTES IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR TASTY KING DISGRACEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  After freaking out for another few minutes, the food finally arrives, I inhale my chicken and broccoli in under 13 minutes and finish the rest of K’s teriyaki chicken after asking her 3 times if she was sure she was done (thank god she was full).

Today was a pretty good food day.  For lunch I had my entire leftover Tasty King lunch special beef and broccoli with pork fried rice.  The beef was a bit gummy, but it was all good.  There were still pears left over all over the office from last week, so I stole 3 and decided not to eat any today and save them all for tomorrow since I had just had my leftover beef and broccoli, and I didn’t know what free foods would be left for me for tomorrow (this is called strateeeeegery).

For dinner today I expensed a really good roast beef sandwich, Vitamin Water (power-c) and some Terra chips from Cafe Metro because I had to go to the NY screening of Joey Pantoliano’s new documentary for work.  It was painful and almost not worth the free expensed meal … but I would never say that.  I was under-dressed like whoa (everyone else was in black tie and I was in jeans and a “nice shirt” … oops) and decided to be even more unclassy and call attention to myself by opening up my Cafe Metro sandwich and Terra chips and sloppily eating them in the theater, but I was REALLY hungry so I had to do what I had to do.  Speaking of things that I had to do – and this is a testament to how miserable this experience was – apparently there was some really good food and drinks post-screening and I didn’t even give a shit — I just RAN out of there to catch a cab as soon as I could sans free champagne and finger foods.

Well, at least I was freely well fed today.