Poverexic in NYC

HOLY CRAP IT’S COMING IN 8 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.kfc.com/doubledown/

KFC Double Down

DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE!!!!!!!  Although looking at more info online, apparently the Double Down is only 540 calories.  Now that doesn’t seem right.  That’s barely filling.

Well, I guess we know from this past week’s South Park episode that KFC is actually what keeps our society healthy — without KFC, men start developing a curious case of testicular cancer.

I think the greatest thing about the Double Down though is that it’s easily replicable in the comfort of your own home.  I think this will be our apartment’s new project — just deep fry up some chicken breasts, get some fatty slabs of bacon, thin slices of American cheese and a few spoonfuls of mayonnaise (baconnaise would be better).

The Colonel is GENIUS!!!!!!!

Chag sameach!  I love passover because it usually means when there’s leftover meeting food, none of my Jewish coworkers can touch it MUAH HA HA!  However, today there were unfortunately no leftover sandwiches for me and the non-Jews to take advantage of.  So instead I took 4 sheets of matzo from Jewish coworker A and spread some almond butter on them that ex-coworker J had gifted to me when she left the company 2 months ago, and I ate that for breakfast and lunch.

I told another Jew friend A about this, who responded the following.  Coworker A and friend A actually have the same name but with an extra letter and pronounced differently and it’s completely confusing.  I get it wrong every time.

A: almond butter

that’s a good idea

i had mine with spray butter

not as good

mmmmmmm spray butttteeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr

Speaking of Jew, roommate L is coming home today from a weekend spent in Boston, and you know what that means.  ROOMMATE TASTY KING DINNER OVER LOST!!!

Here’s what roommate L discovered today:

Lisa’s internal Math:

roommate leaves for weekend + roommate comes back after weekend = Tasty King

Every Saturday and Sunday = Tasty King

Any event out of ordinary + Day during the week which is not Sat or Sun = Tasty King

Tasty King + The decision to try something new = Tragedy

Tasty King + boneless spare ribs or any soup combination = Happiness

Happiness = Tasty King

If inserting the Law that nothing can equal Tasty King, nor can Tasty King be included in any form of addition, then the following.

Every Sat and Sunday = Try to Bone

Any event out of the ordinary = Try to Bone

The Decision to try something new = AIDS

The decision to stick with what has worked in the past = Sore Vag (hopefully)

Happiness = Bone

Tragedy = Non Bone

THEREFORE, IN LISA’S MIND

TASTY KING = BONE

These past 2 weeks in March have been absolutely incred at work.  It really HAS been March Madness, but to me March Madness means an entire month with a SHIT TON OF FOOD IT’S MADNESS!!!!!!!!  I literally have not had to buy a single meal for myself (lunch or dinner) for essentially 2 straight weeks.  What I think is really going on is that there have been a lot of new people joining our office in March, so I think the company is trying to impress them and make them think “wow this place is so AWESOME!!!” by presenting them with a shit ton of food.  Every day there have been meetings with sandwiches, wraps, pasta, salad, fruit, cookies, etc etc etc.  AND I TAKE ALL OF IT.

On both Monday and Tuesday there were lunch meetings with PIZZA and beer (Monday from Papa Johns, Tuesday from Domino’s), so I shoved 3 slices in my mouth during the “meetings” (don’t even know what they were about) and took 1 slice to go.  The trick is to really express interest to your team about the “meetings” and pretend that you’re not at all going for the food.  Although by now my team can see right through it…

“Hey, I’ll be back in about an hour — I really want to go to this presentation on X; it sounds like it could really benefit our business.  I’ll report back to the team.”

“You’re just going for the pizza aren’t you.”

…………………………….. dammit.  They know me too well.

On Wednesday we had an all-staff meeting with sliders, mini jalapeno cheese biscuits with pulled pork, spicy chicken on a stick, fried chicken on a stick, crabcakes, chips and guac/salsa and 5 different kinds of beer.  I was actually luckily in that same meeting room right before for another meeting, so I got a great head start on all that food.  Also that same day I discovered a beautiful array of leftovers sandwiches and penne pasta with cherry tomatoes and mozzarella, so I took a big plateful of food from both mounds and saved both plates for the rest of the week (they lasted through Friday dinner).

On Thursday my new boss took me out to lunch to discuss my “career goals” and what I wanted in life.  UM WHAT I WANT IN LIFE IS TO ACTUALLY MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO WHERE I CAN ACTUALLY AFFORD TO EAT 2 HEALTHY MEALS A DAY.  Is that seriously too much to ask for.  I’m not even asking for breakfast.  At least I got a huge healthy salad with red and yellow beets, yellow squash, cauliflower and tomatoes for free that day.

Great week.

So I’m a bridesmaid in 4 weddings this year: J’s this past January, my puta J’s in August, K’s in October and D’s in April.  I’M SUPER PSYCHED, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE 2 OF THEM ARE JEW WEDDINGS.  But I’m especially excited because that means 4 rehearsal dinners, 4 bridesmaids luncheons, 4 cocktail hours and 4 wedding dinners ALL WITH AMAZING FOOD.  I still salivate thinking about J’s rehearsal dinner with cornbread stuffed quail and filet mignon and incred hors d’oeuvres.  I tried to get my puta J to cater from our favorite all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant next door to the Four Seasons for her cocktail hour, but unfortunately my idea got turned down.

BUT!!!  Here’s what’s up for my puta J’s rehearsal dinner in Dallas:

J: it’s going to be at via real – across the street from four seasons – upscale southwestern

me: OHHHHHHHH

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

DERICIOUSSSSSSSSS

whats the food?!?!??!?!

TELL MEEEEEEEEEE

J: hahahah

the main course will be choice of

Sautéed jumbo shrimp in a citrus-garlic mojo salsa on cilantro potatoes with garlic asparagus

Grilled chicken breast, sherry-cilantro cream sauce, Spanish rice and fresh vegetables

fajitas, Chicken or beef, sautéed onions and peppers, pico de gallo, and borracho beans

8 oz salmon filet drizzled with coconut jalapeno sauce and set on top of cilantro

Zucchini and squash enchiladas with sour cream and queso sauces or fresh spinach with sautéed onions
and tomatoes with tomatillo and sour cream sauces, black beans and Mexican corn

or

6 oz. Filet paired with gulf shrimp golden Yukon potatoes,
fresh vegetables and our house steak sauce

and there will be beer, wine, margaritas… i think we are going to do fajita nachos for appetizers and guacamole of course

me: HOLY SHIT WHAT

WAIT WHAT

HEY

J: what what what

me: WAIT

CAN YOU EXPLAIN

WAIT

i don’t understand, we get a choice of like 8 entrees to choose from?

J: SIIIIIIIIII

me: HOLY CRAP

WHAT

J: you don’t have to pick in advance

me: THAT MAKES THE DECISION SO DIFFICULT

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT

OMG

J: i mean there will be a menu at the dinner

me: OH NO

J: and you pick then

me: I DON’T KNOW

I WANT ALL!!!!!

J: IT’S OTAY YOU HAVE 6 MONTHS TO DECIDE!!!!!!!!!

me: are there any anorexic ppl at your wedding

like who should i sit next to at the dinner

WHAT THE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I love jew.

For more info on the wedding, please visit http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/myputa&mrpotato

After a month-long hiatus, roommate K this week inspired me to revive my blog by coming up with the most brilliant invention made by woman: MEATLOAF CUPCAKES WHAT SHUT YOUR MOUTH.  My roommates seriously think up the most creative ways to utilize our cupcake pan.  I was excited when K said she wanted to make meatloaf (who knew she cooked?) but NOT AS EXCITED AS I GOT WHEN I SAW HER SMOOOOSHING THE RAW MEAT INTO THE CUPCAKE HOLES.  I should have known anything K was going to make was going into cupcake form.

Meatloaf Cupcakes

OMG!!!!!!!!!!

ASDFHASJDHFJKHAJHJ!!!!!!!@(*!&*%@^&%^&!@!!!

And then, roommate M jumps in and starts making mashed potatoes with scallions and garlic and bacon and then FRIES THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fried Bacon Scallion Mashed Potatoes

AND THEN!!!!!  WE FROSTED THE MEATLOAF CUPCAKES WITH THE BACON MASHED POTATOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It was SO BRILLIANT.

Got the best email ever from G, real name C, earlier in the week with the subject line FREE FOOD (always a great sign):

tonight: you, me, max brenner chocolate fondues.  i have to review for work and will feel too weird eating fondue alone–figured you might be up for it.

G IS MY FAVORITE PERSON EVER THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was so honored G would pick me for a free food event, and I ran over to Max Brenner in Union Square right after work without eating lunch or dinner that day in preparation for the disturbingly amazing amount of chocolate, fruit and marshmallows that was about to fill my belly.  Keeping the food review in mind, we decided to go with the classic European Chocolate Fondue for two as well as the more nontraditional Banana Tempura Fondue.

This felt like Valentine’s on crack, and G was right — this probably would have seemed quite odd with one of his guy friends.  When the fondues came, we could sense others around us staring jealously yet disgustingly at the ridiculous amount of sugar that was overwhelming our table.  Here they are:

Classic European Chocolate Fondue

Banana Tempura Fondue

This was all really incred — high quality chocolate I’d say, and I think in our moment of excitement we made the huge mistake of finishing all of it… which led to G and me taking turns running to the restaurant bathroom to throw up from both ends of our body.

Valentine’s on crack didn’t end there.  I get to work on Friday morning and see a delicious looking Valentine’s cupcake on my desk and think to myself, “Oh wonderful, one of the gay guys in consumer…” then see an all staff email with subject line “Happy Valentine’s Day (Did you receive a golden kiss?)”

We wanted to say that we love working with you for so many reasons…
And, if you were one of the lucky, random people who received one of the ‘golden’ kisses or the chocolate hearts, bring it to my cubicle to claim your prize.
Have a great day and a fun long weekend!

How nice!  Too bad I didn’t get a ‘golden kiss.’  However, with my incredible food reputation at work, within minutes I had 4 team members coming to my desk with their cupcakes being like “Hey do you want mine, I’m not supposed to be eating this.”  Hooray for me!

Unfortunately I had the most awful cavity that I was in the process of getting fixed and currently had a half-drilled-off tooth in the back of my mouth with a completely exposed cavity waiting for a porcelain crown that was supposed to come within the next week.  After finishing one overwhelmingly sweet cupcake, I was experiencing the most excruciating pain I’d ever experienced in my mouth and had to say no to the other 4 cupcakes.  No hooray for me.

In the spirit of the Super Bowl, I was super anti-poverexic today.  S had invited us over for his annual Super Bowl party, and I – GASP – kindly declined.  I don’t know what’s happening to me lately.  My usual self would have never done that.  But I just knew that Super Bowl watching would cut into my weekly 5-hour nap time on Sunday afternoons, and I couldn’t let that happen.  S’s party even promised an entire suckling pig from Chinatown, and even that couldn’t lure me out of my bed/couch.

Suckling Pig

So instead, roommates K/L/M and I decided to have our own little gluttonous “Super Bowl party” which just consisted of us continuously ordering goods from our own little Chinatown called Tasty King and delivery.com throughout the day.  After waking up at our usual noon time, the roommates and I decided to splurge today and ordered lunch from Tasty King and Brick Lane, an incred Indian food restaurant we once discovered on our fav show Man v. Food, and I got lamb korma.

After finishing that meal at 1:30pm, I promptly fell back asleep into my weekly 5-hour Sunday nap and awoke at 6:30pm.  While roommate K and I objected, roommates L and M were set on watching the Super Bowl, so we decided to order Pinkberry and Mee Noodle to make ourselves feel better, which was the most we had ever spent on a single Sunday since living together.  We felt that if any time was a good time to splurge, it would be during the Super Bowl.

However, when our Mee Noodle order came, I discovered to my horror that my Mee Pum noodles over roast pork in soup WASN’T INCLUDED IN THE ORDER.  That, combined with the fact that I was already in a pissed off mood from the Tim Tebow anti-abortion commercial that we had all been yelling in our apt about how Tim Tebow should have been aborted for making that commercial, literally set me off into the biggest rage I had experienced since last week when one of my bills was wrong.  I literally screamed at the Asian lady from Mee Noodle for a good 10 minutes and demanded – and got – a free meal out of all this, which made me feel a little better.

I’m so full now that I think I won’t eat for the rest of the week.  I say this now, but after all those Super Bowl commercials, I will probably go get myself some Bud Light, Doritos and Cherry Dr. Pepper tomorrow.

LAST NIGHT WAS INCRED.  VERIZON IS THE BEST COMPANY IN THE WORLD.  When we moved apartments within Stuy Town in November, I was considered a “new Verizon customer” since I was signing onto Fios again at a new address, and we got a $150 PRE-PAID CARD FOR BECOMING A VERIZON CUSTOMER.  GASP!!!!!!!!!!  ❤ Verizon and their $150 prepaid cards and their 3-months-HBO/Cinemax-for-free deals!!!!!!!

The prepaid card was scheduled to arrive 3 months after we signed up for service, and the card finally arrived a week ago.  IT WAS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!!!!!!  Of course my roommates and I decided to use it immediately.  We made reservations at this restaurant Prune in the East Village that roommate L had been wanting to go to, and this is what we treated ourselves to.

BONE MARROW

VEAL HEART

SEA BASS

OMG I had so many animal parts that night — the bone marrow was buttery deliciousness that just melted in my mouth, and the veal heart gave me strength and power like Maryann from True Blood.  The sea bass was incred but what I really should have gotten was the duck that roommates L and K got that was literally plump perfection.  It was the best tasting duck I had ever gotten a bite of, and this was the first time I had ever witnessed K finishing her entire plate (dammit).

Thanks to Verizon I had the best meal I’d had since J’s wedding.

Got the most EXCITING EMAIL EVER from LP on Thursday:

Buy one brunch, get one free

HOLY CRAP WHAT THE WHAAAAAAAAAAA!??!????!?!  HOW DID YOU EVEN COME ACROSS THIS AND WHY ARE YOU SO NICE TO INVITE ME?!?!??!??!?!  I couldn’t even believe it.  I had walked by City Crab a million times and always wanted to go because I love seafood and I had never been able to go because I don’t eat out at restaurants.  We made a reservation for Sunday (today) at 12:30pm — while this would cut into my usual Tasty King time, I knew this was going to be worth it.

This morning I woke up at 10am disgusted after having painfully suffered through the oddest, gayest hookup experience I’d ever gone through in my entire life and proceeded to wake roommate K up to tell her the ridiculous 20-minute story, then caught roommate L as he was coming home from an almost-equally terrible hookup experience and proceeded to tell him the ridiculous 20-minute story, then got to City Crab at 12:30pm to meet LP and C and proceeded to tell them the ridiculous 20-minute story.  I had never been so irritated in my life and there was nothing better to calm my fury than with a free seafood brunch.  And boy was the free brunch worth it:

Crabmeat omelette

I got an incredibly delicious omelette with crabmeat, spinach, tomatoes and fontina, with a side of potatoes and toast, all accompanied by a basket of mini muffins and mini breads.  I cleaned my plate over more amusing weekend stories while LP finished her scrambled eggs and left bits of tomato and all 4 of her slices of toast on her plate and C picked at her grilled chicken sandwich and left half of the baguette and all of her side of fries on her plate.  After about an hour, the waiter came by and started to take C’s plate of leftover baguette and fries.  DON’T YOU DARE TAKE THAT PLATE AWAY.  So in addition to a free brunch, I scored all of C’s fries as well.  Thanks to LP and C, my incredible Sunday morning totally made up for my unfortunate Saturday night.

I did okay for myself this weekend.  I scored quite a lot of free food over the weekend, and I’m trying to think how I will make that last another day given I don’t have work tomorrow.  On Friday S suggested dinner to A, B and me, which of course meant that only S and A would be eating food, and B (the anorexic) and I (the poverexic) would only be drinking booze.  I didn’t really want to go since I kinda have a policy against going out to dinners (my policy is I don’t do that), but I decided to go since I hadn’t seen the group in a while and I knew I could score some free bites from S and A.  So I accompanied them for dinner while B sat talking about how he had to go back to the gym first thing in the morning and I drank 2 glasses of Malbec and stole bites of steak and ceviche from S and A.

Saturday was a really painful day, not so much because of the hangover but more so because I had to make it to my coworker’s engagement party on 168th St and Broadway.  UM KILL MYSELF.  I hadn’t gone above 33rd in like a year for good reason.  Anyway I had to trek up there because I am a good coworker and because I was lured by promises of eggs, pancakes and mimosas.  I’m not sure I would go as far as to say the trip was worth it given it was over an hour commute each way from Stuy Town, but I was really impressed by the fact that the engagement brunch was not just your typical eggs, pancakes and mimosas.  The mimosas had fresh strawberries in them, the scrambled eggs had cheddar cheese and pepper and salt in them, and the pancakes had freshly ground cinnamon and fresh bananas in them — I had never seen anything like it!  I am continually so impressed by people who have the ability to make things from scratch and have the courage to use fresh ingredients.

Saturday night was another win when roommate L decided to cook the thickest cut of steak I have ever seen in my life — it was literally an entire side of a cow — and the thickest bacon strips I have ever seen in my life.  It felt like Peter Lugar in the comfort of my own home, except even better because the bacon strips weren’t served on a plate — they were served in super strong bloody mary’s, which may explain how 4 roommates went through a huge handle of vodka in one night.  And then the night continued with free goodies when we hung out with some Bloomberg boys who bought us drinks the entire night.  Needless to say, the night ended poorly and with poor recollection.

Today the alcohol woke me up early and led me to make the biggest mistake ever of deciding to branch out and get something that wasn’t Tasty King.  HUGE MISTAKE.  Ugh, I am so disappointed every time I branch out.  This is why I hardly ever do it.  Instead of my usual $5 lunch special chicken and broccoli with white rice and wonton soup, I got this $6 beef over noodle soup lunch special with wonton soup and fried rice from Mee Noodle, which I thought I remembered as being super dericious when I had eaten there once a year ago.  It was soooooo not worth the extra $1, and I didn’t even get my fried rice with the lunch special and when I called Mee Noodle to complain, the Asian lady yelled Asian at me for like 10 minutes explaining how the noodles don’t come with a side of fried rice and then I yelled back at her in my Asian voice for another 10 minutes that her restaurant was SOOOOOOO not better than Tasty King.

That was really my only financial loss of the weekend, though, so I’m doing okay.