Poverexic in NYC

I woke up beaming today because my managers were going to take me out to lunch at my fav Soho restaurant, the Cupping Room.  Boy oh boy, I just couldn’t wait, and I even held off on my usual 6 cups of coffee this morning to leave plenty of room for a biiig lunch.  When we get there, there’s literally like one other table seated.  We’re seated right away, we order right away (we were a hungry bunch), and THEN IT LITERALLY TOOK 45 FRIGGEN MINUTES FOR THE FOOD TO COME!!!!!!!!  I mean, really!??!?!  There were literally like 2 or 3 other tables in the entire restaurant and I don’t know if the kitchen staff was jerking off or what but this wait was abolutely unacceptable, I mean we fucking have work to get back to jesus christ.  So we started doing some serious complaining and as PR women we really always get our way because we’re firm and aggressive yet we’re really pretty and nice so people listen to us.  Result: we got the waiter to promise us free dessert, yesssss.  While pacing myself through my medium rare burger with roquefort and fries, I’m carefully leaving my dessert compartment wide open for the free dessert that’s about to come.  I clean my plate, literally, and then we’re having a really hard time deciding between the free brownie with ice cream and the free flourless chocolate cake with ice cream, so we convince the waiter to bring us both desserts for free.  This was quite the incredible free meal.

After dropping a shitload of moola on Alphabet Lounge and Marquee on Friday and Saturday, I was really glad the rest of my weekend was sans payment.

C was visiting for the weekend — last time I saw her was 4 years ago when we were both loving life, drinking Skol and eating pineapples on Ipanema beach.  On Sunday, to reminisce over our good ole Brazilian days, I took C to brunch at Coffee Shop where we had pao de queijo, and I had a spinach feta omlette with rosemary potatoes and wheat toast.  C had a Chinese chicken salad, which I didn’t quite understand given that she’s vegetarian — which actually worked out great because she just picked out all the lettuce and the rest of the salad, and left all of her chicken – FOR ME!  AND THEN!!!!  SHE PAID FOR MY ENTIRE LUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so full after brunch that I literally felt like I was with child — so naturally, to fill my dessert compartment, I took C to Tasti D, where we had cinnamon crunch and original froyo for a taste of NYC.

THEN!!!!!!!  After going to ‘Fast and the Furious’ (best movie ever), I accompanied S to Whole Foods, where we bought ingredients for the most incred dinner ever, cooked by S: steak, red snapper, crab cake, crawfish cake, green beans and heart of palm.  And then, I gave birth to a cow.

I was so full from the weekend that I didn’t even have to eat anything today except for 2 birthday cupcakes.  On a separate note, this is the greatest invention ever:  http://www.seriouseats.com/2009/04/giant-cheetos-regular-puff-swirl-snack-review.html

Well I think I hit a new low last night.  I came home to find G eating some delicious looking fried calamari and sushi and L finishing up his Chinese food.  To be honest, I wasn’t that hungry when I first got home, although, now that I look back, I think I only had ramen, 8 cookies and a bag of sugar balls the entire day.  As soon as I got out of the shower, though, I was starved.  By the look on his face, L was too.  He was staring at G’s brown bag of trash.  I looked at L, he looked at me, we both looked at the trash bag.  Suddenly, L finally caves and reaches into the trash and pulls out the empty box of fried calamari, where there were some damp pieces of lettuce on which the calamari used to lay.  We grabbed the leftover thing of calamari sauce and began dipping the lettuce in the sauce and eating it.  Afterwards, we were slightly grossed out (not really though) and washed it all down with our good friend Jack.  So I guess that was my dinner last night.

12:26 pm

GASP!!!!!!  A bunch of my coworkers and I just ordered sushi for lunch (I was prepared to spend $11 + tip), but then OUR BOSS PICKED UP OUR TAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Heart boss!  This is the best day ever, after yesterday’s worst night ever.

A lovely limerick composed by roommate L:

There once was a young lass named Lisa
Who loved nothing more than free pizza
With food she did mooch
Did the same with her cooch
Poverexic girls like guys with platinum Visa’s

As my favorite poet once said, April is the cruellest month.  And April Fool’s is the most retarded day.  People either come up with the lamest jokes, like “oh hey guess what, I ate 3 meals today ……….. APRIL FOOOOOLLLLLLL’S” or the cruellest jokes, like “oh hey guess what, I’ve been fucking your boyfriend for the past year ……….. APRIL FOOOOOLLLLLLL’S ………. or NOT!”

Anyway, here’s a real April Fool’s for you:

Total Recall

Now that’s some scary shit.  Who the fuck knocked this bitch up?

Really, though, the real April Fool’s today for me was the fact that I literally had just put hot water on my ramen and started the microwave, LITERALLY, when coworker A finds me in the kitchen and goes “Did you see all that free food in the cafe??”

WHAT?!?!??!??! HOW DID I MISS THIS?!?!??!??!?! HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THIS?!??!?!??! AND HOW COME I DIDN’T DISCOVER THIS *FREE FOOD* LITERALLY 2 SECONDS AGO, *BEFORE* I HAD STARTED MAKING THE RAMEN THAT *I HAD PAID FOR*!!??!?!??!?!?!  That was totally unfair.  I could have saved a ramen pack had I just discovered this free food 2 seconds earlier.  The real April Fool’s joke was on me.  I was so vindictive that I took the last remaining ham-brie sandwich, the rest of the bowtie pesto pasta, and half of the leftover rosemary potatoes, and then stuffed myself in under 3 minutes.

12:43 pm

IM from coworker P:

In Defense of Poverexia

Today roommate G chastised me, essentially, for being a moocher.  Now I’ve heard this time and time again, and I can completely see how someone who just casually observes my habits might think so.  But observe carefully, my friend: I don’t take people’s food; I take people’s waste.  What people fail to realize is just how much waste they produce on a daily basis, and I’m not talking about shit.  I literally wait until you put the leftover chow mein in the trash to yell STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I literally wait until the waiter takes away your far-from-empty plate to yell STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s amazing how far one individual can go on everyone else’s waste.  When I was a waitress at the Hong Kong Bar & Restaurant, I survived off secretly eating people’s leftover scallion pancakes and crab rangoon.

That’s a lie.  We had a free dining hall back then.  derrr… awk.

Anyway, today G ate his sesame beef but then started to throw away the container that still had 6 healthy pieces of broccoli in it.

ASDKHljkh@#*&^&%!^@&^(AJKAHSDKJ@# I yelled.

Jesus, you’re such a scrounger!

No sir, I prefer the term “garbage disposal.”  My little garbage disposal.

This was just another one of those typical weekends.

On Saturday I had my usual beef and broccoli with white rice from Tasty King as soon as I woke up at 1pm.  Then, the entire rest of the day, literally all I did was watch TV and fall asleep, watch TV and fall asleep, then watch TV and fall asleep.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog entry, this is a key tactic for poverexics — sleeping through the entire weekend ensures you use up as few calories as possible (ie, save them up for later) and thus decreases the degree of hunger you feel.  When I woke up from my nap(s) circa 9pm, all I needed was a beer to fill my tummy and I was golden.

The night got better when CM gave me a full beer that someone didn’t want at Sweet & Vicious, then we went to Grassroots where beers are $3, then we went to McDonalds at 3am where CG proceeded to order 30 chicken nuggets and fries.  I helped him out some.  But my poverexia’s worst enemy is my extremely slow eating speed.  You would think that I would have learned by now to eat at lightening fast speed, but I am just so slow, ugh.  (This really hit home for me in college when I was dead last in a campus hot dog eating contest. :()  I was trying to chug those chicken nuggets, but I was only through 8 (and A only wanted 6) when CG was already at nugget #14 and then grabs the last 2 in my box of 10.  Sigh.  I really can’t complain, though, since CG put all the nuggets on his card.  So really it was a great win of a night for me.

On Sunday I had my usual beef and broccoli with white rice from Tasty King as soon as I woke up at 1pm.  Then, the entire rest of the day, literally all I did was watch TV and fall asleep, watch TV and fall asleep, then watch TV and fall asleep.

Yes, I did just copy and paste from above.

Things I’ve eaten today:

• 2 Dum-Dums
• 1 Samoa
• 1 canned soup
• 6 cups of coffee

Things I didn’t pay for:

• 2 Dum-Dums
• 1 Samoa
• 6 cups of coffee

12:47 pm

After finishing the 3 oranges I stole yesterday for today’s breakfast, my boss gave me HER LEFTOVER MAC & CHEESE RIGHT AFTER OUR CLIENT CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3:34 pm

AN ENTIRE BOX OF COOKIES IN THE CAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3:35 pm

All the cookies gone.  Luckily I snagged 3 and immediately stuffed them in my face.

3:40 pm

An all-staff email from EVP C:

Hi all,

Just left a box of delicious cookies from the Austin office on the cafe counter — Enjoy!

Best,

C

Way ahead of you C, way ahead of you.  You clearly underestimate us.

6:38 pm

TWO LEFTOVER MINI CUPCAKES ON THE CAFE COUNTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel bad so I only take one.  I go to the bathroom and decide that if the other cupcake is still there by the time I walk back, I get to take it.

6:41 pm

Walking back from the bathroom … Dammit.  Cupcake gone.  Jesus people are quick around here.

Just then, coworker D walks by — “L, I left you a treat on your desk!  Have a good night!”

Gasp!  I run back to my desk … CUPCAKE.

9:12 pm

ROOMMATE G BRINGS HOME HALF A DOZEN DUNKIN’ DONUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been a sweet day.